"Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes" review

Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes

Director: Fred Olen Ray
Writer: Fred Olen Ray

Nicole Sheridan ... Taffy
Brad Bartram ... Agent Richardson
Voodoo ... Eddie (as Alexandre Boisvert)
Shannon Kelly ... Mao Myx
Evan Stone ... Vargas
Daisy ... Massage Girl (as Daisy Marie)
Christine Nguyen ... Kelly

Secret government X-ray glasses have fallen into the hands of a stripper. Nicole Sheridan and her moronic boyfriend see a potential gold mine with their new found treasure. While a government agent hunts them down, they hit the road to Vegas so that they can have sex with Christine Nguyen. But secret X-Ray glasses are too powerful to leave in the hands of strippers so a large breasted woman, (Shannon Kelly), steals them back. Even with all of the nefarious wheeling and dealing going on, Shannon still finds time to have sex with her male and female assistants. It's good to see that she has a healthy work/life balance. It all ends in a goofy scene with a fake Sheik, Sheridan in her "Erotic Dreams of Jeannie" outfit and a fight sequence to rival the best Hollywood action scenes.

"Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes" is yet another Fred Olen Ray softcore flick. You have to give the guy some credit for his prolific output. The Cinemax machine is hungry and he feeds it regularly. Besides his usual cast, (Sheridan, Nguyen, the guys), he's added three adult film stars. Demi Delia, Shannon Kelly and Daisy Marie all show up to add a little variety to the softcore action. It's always nice to see some new faces. And new bodies.

As for the new cast members, Delia's two sex scenes didn't do much for me. She starts the movie off banging the government agent for some X-ray payoff money. Her second sex scene has her in prison with a goofy goggle-wearing guy. Both were fair scenes but they didn't thrill me. Shannon Kelly has a sex scene with the same goggle-wearing goofball that falls flat. Maybe Ray should refrain from showing sex scenes with guys wearing eye protection. It's a distraction from the ladies.

But Shannon's last sex scene is the obvious winner. She unwinds with her masseuse after a rubdown. Daisy Marie has one line in the movie, "Can you turn over for me please?" Once you hear that line, you'll know that you're heading towards a great lesbian sex scene. What makes a lesbian sex scene great you ask? Lots of tongue and nipple play. This is the essence of softcore lesbian sex. After an abundance of breast licking, it all leads to the most mysterious of lesbian activity. The tribbing! I love to see that. Man wasn't meant to know what that does for ladies but we know that they like it. Although someone once described the sensation for me. Two words: Suction cups. That's all I'll say.

There's another good sex scene between Nicole Sheridan and Christine Nguyen. Christine also has a breast fetish, (like me), and I enjoy seeing her jump at the chance to play with Nicole's twins. Overall, "Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes" is a standard Fred Olen Ray flick with a really good lesbian scene at the end. The plot is unimportant, the jokes are terrible, but the sex scenes save the day once again. If it's on cable one night, (and it will be), it's worth a look.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 full body massages

"Sigma Die!" review

Sigma Die! (2007)

Director: Michael Hoffman Jr.
Writer: Meghan Jones

Joe Estevez ... Officer Brubek
Reggie Bannister ... Chief Moorhouse
Brinke Stevens ... Mrs. Angleman
Aly Hartman ... Jamie
Christian Anderson ... Zach
Heather Zagone ... Linda
Nikie Zambo ... PJ

A bunch of Zeta girls decide to rent a cabin for a party. Some guys show up to drink beer, dance around and be as obnoxious as possible. A killer is stalking the Zeta girls. Could it be the caretakers of the cabin? Could Brinke Stevens be involved in the tragic killings of Zeta girls and guys? Does a panty raid from 20 years ago have any bearings on this cheap party going on in the woods? And what are Joe Estevez and Reggie Bannister doing in this movie? "Sigma Die!" poses these and other questions that are just not worth answering.

Sorority girls flash their breasts and die as "Sigma Die!" grinds on down the path to B-movie oblivion. It's another annoying slasher movie that didn't need to get made yet somehow found the money to bring itself to life. I rented it in the hopes that Brinke Stevens could give it some of that B-movie magic she does so well. Alas, it was not to be. The Zeta girls and guys dominated the movie in performances I can only describe as irritating. Although grating might be another word I could use to describe their collective efforts. "Sigma Die!" needed Zetas to be dying quicker than they were so we could get back to Brinke. Or at least linger on them dying so I could feel a little better about sitting through this movie.

But "Sigma Die!" makes a special effort to make sure that the viewer is really annoyed by the movie. At about the half hour mark the movie actually repeats itself to show the first fifteen minutes again. It literally shows the same scenes that you had just watched so you can really be aggravated at the Zeta's party scenes. It was at this moment that the movie lost me. I mean, if it had rewound itself to show a Zeta girls orgy, that would be a different story. But instead I get to see the beer swilling teens swill some more beer. Will you people put down your beers and die already?

"Sigma Die!" can be skipped. There's not anything going on here that you haven't seen before. The only positive thing I can say about it is that it did have some naked Zetas and Brinke Stevens showed up for ten minutes or so. If you're looking for Brinke Stevens satisfaction, check out "Nightmare Sisters". Let "Sigma Die!" die somewhere else.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 dead Zetas

"Mutants" review

Mutants (2009)

Director: David Morlet
Writers: Louis-Paul Desanges David Morlet

Hélène de Fougerolles ... Sonia
Francis Renaud ... Marco
Dida Diafat ... Virgile (as Dida)
Marie-Sohna Conde ... Perez (as Marie-Sohna Condé)
Nicolas Briançon ... Franck
Luz Mandon ... Dany (as Luz Mando)

A virus has been unleashed and it's turning people into mutants. A couple makes their escape over snow covered mountains to an abandoned building. They hope to get picked up by a nearby army base that may have a cure for the zombie pandemic. The woman is unaffected by the virus while her boyfriend is slowly rotting away into a mutant. She tries desperately to halt the decaying of her companion. Trouble shows up when a gang of thugs follows the couple's distress call to their hiding spot. The gang also manages to attract a roving horde of zombies which further complicates the woman's attempt to control her foaming at the mouth lover.

"Mutants" is a French zombie movie that was spawned from the success of "28 Days Later". It doesn't take 28 days to become a zombie but we do get to watch the evolution of zombie transformation. "Mutants" starts off at a fast pace as an ambulance is speeding down the road trying to contain the zombie that has manifested itself inside the car. Eventually, they run into more zombies which leaves the paramedic's boyfriend infected. Once they make their way to the abandoned building, the movie slows down as love tries to conquer all by coming up with a cure for mutation.

It was at this point that I thought the movie was going to lose me. As the body horror progressed, so did the woman's love for her ailing man. But since this is a horror movie, love is never enough to stop the madness. The mutation continues as the group of thugs shows up with their zombie horde right behind them. Violence wins out again as thugs and zombies meet for the gory finale. This seems inevitable as all zombie movies need a raging horde of the undead to rampage over people eventually. One zombie is just not enough.

"Mutants" is a fast paced zombie flick that has some good gory moments and a few intense action scenes. It also shows us that people in love can go to extremes for each other. I certainly hope that if I'm ever infected with a zombie virus, I have a nurse like her to help me get through it. Although it didn't work out for the guy, at least she tried to stop her lover from becoming a decaying carcass. "Mutants" is worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 mutant boyfriends

"Housewives from Another World" review

Housewives from Another World

Director: Fred Olen Ray
Writer: Fred Olen Ray

Heather Vandeven ... Karen
Christine Nguyen ... Carla
Rebecca Love ... Rita
Frankie Cullen ... Max

Space aliens have landed on Earth and they're horny. Heather Vandeven grabs a meteor fragment and transforms into a Housewife from Another World. She wants to explore this concept of what we humans call love. She hops into bed, (actually a couch), with her new husband and proceeds to have sex with him like she's been doing this all of her life. These aliens are quick learners. Heather enlists two more unwitting playmates into her nefarious scheme. Rebecca Love and Christine Nguyen get some space rocks tied around their necks which allows them to join the horny space sorority. The housewives are conspiring to stop a satellite from launching and some other unimportant things that don't have anything to do with softcore sex. Thankfully, their plan ultimately lives or dies on them getting naked. The alien babes won't let their home planet down. They go to great lengths to ensure there is nudity every five minutes and we're a better universe for it.

"Housewives from Another World" is yet another Fred Olen Ray late night sex flick in a long line of Fred Olen Ray late night sex flicks. It's pretty much the same cast doing the same things and telling the same lame jokes in between copious amounts of sex scenes. However, there is one important addition to the cast in this softcore adventure. Heather Vandeven, (Penthouse Pet of the Year Heather Vandeven. I know this because it has it plastered all over the DVD cover), gets added to the Fred Olen Ray rotation as the main extraterrestrial housewife. She is a fine addition. She has the body of a, well, Penthouse Pet of the Year. She's got the hair flip mastery of a Nikki Fritz and the hot, smoldering look of a Julian Wells. She's also quite talented in faking an orgasm. Oh what am I saying? She can't be faking it. I'm sure she loves having softcore sex with the cast so much that she just can't contain herself.

So "Housewives from Another World" becomes a showcase for Heather Vandeven and her sultry ways. In this respect, the movie is a success. I was completely convinced that Heather could seduce any man in about ten seconds after meeting him. There is one part of her sex repertoire that needs some work though. One sex scene has her taking Rebecca Love into the kitchen to teach her the ways of human love on counter tops. Heather seemed confused during this scene and was fumbling around a little too much. Fortunately, Rebecca Love took over and the scene turned out OK. Hopefully through practice, Heather can get better at these sapphic love scenes. Just remember, when doing a sex scene with Rebecca Love, spend as much time with her breasts as possible. Squeezing, licking, sucking, whatever you like, etc. It will turn out a winner for all involved.

"Housewives from Another World" has the usual amount of sex scenes and the obligatory solo shower scene. Most of the sex scenes are decent. Though I am getting slightly fatigued at watching the same performers get it on. There is only so much softcore fidelity I can handle. But Ray always manages to squeeze in one really good sex scene per movie and this time the clear winner is Rebecca Love and Christine Nguyen having sex on a couch. Heather sits this one out but sticks around to watch and get some pointers. At one point in the scene, Rebecca and Christine start rubbing each other out while Christine goes to work on Rebecca's nipples. It was amazing. This scene made me thankful I'm a man. A man who's watching two women rub each other out on Fred Olen Ray's couch. Heather was watching too and I hope she liked it as much as I did. I think we can all learn a thing or two from these innovative and sexually adventurous aliens.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Heather Housewives

"RoboGeisha" review

RoboGeisha (2009)

Director: Noboru Iguchi
Writer: Noboru Iguchi

Naoto Takenaka ... Kanai
Yoshihiro Nishimura ... Yakuza's Boss
Asami ... Onna Tengu 1
Takumi Saitô ... Hikaru Kageno
Cay Izumi ... Onna Tengu 2
Aya Kiguchi ... Yoshie Kasuga
Suzuki Matsuo ... Tetsuma Gotokuji
Yûya Matsuura ... Killed Man

Two sisters are competing to see who can be the best RoboGeisha. They catch the eye of a wealthy businessman who wants to mold them into top assassins for his company. He has dreams of destroying Japan and needs the RoboGeishas to strike when the establishment least expects it. RoboGeishas need to be equipped with the latest in killing technology so he tricks them out with the basic assassin necessities. You know, like acid breast milk, machine gun nipples, circular saws coming out of their mouths and throwing stars, (or shurikens), out of their butts. When the madmen who created the RoboGeishas, (the filmmakers), go even more insane, a castle sprouts robotic legs, girls turn into tanks, sisters argue and fight some more and where oh where was beer when I needed it?

"RoboGeisha" is a goofy movie about wacky things that would have been a lot more fun if I had been drinking heavily. Instead I foolishly decided to try to follow along with the plot and see where the RoboGeishas took me. It was a mistake. "RoboGeisha" is all about (cheap) visual stimulation. You must learn to love elements like throwing stars flying out of girls butts. If you try to figure out why they bothered to create an army of RoboGeishas and yet fall back on their secret castle robot weapon, you've thought too much. Nothing good can come out of being sober while watching this film.

But how much love can one have for weapons flying out of girls butts? I ask this question seriously. Once you've seen the Robobabes use all of their body parts for advanced weaponry purposes, what else does this movie have? Not much I'm afraid. Instead we are treated to a story of sibling rivalry that made me wish I was pounding beers instead of listening to them whine. The blood effects rely too heavily on CGI which diminishes any harsh effects the Robogore could inflict.

And yet, the movie does have weapons springing out of girls butts. That has to be worth a little something. While "RoboGeisha" is not nearly as much fun as it could be, (or thinks it is), it does make the effort to show us all of the fantastic machinery that can be employed out of a girls butt. I grew tired of watching an endless parade of Robo attacks and was hoping the movie would hurry up and end. But if I had a six pack of beer by my side, I might have grown to love the Robo anal assaults. But alas, I was sober and needed the Robobutts to put a cork in it.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Robobutts

Robobreasts

RoboGeishas with Robobutts and Robobreasts.

"Doghouse" review

Doghouse (2009)

Director: Jake West

Writer: Dan Schaffer

Danny Dyer ... Neil
Noel Clarke ... Mikey
Emil Marwa ... Graham
Lee Ingleby ... Matt
Keith-Lee Castle ... Patrick
Christina Cole ... Candy
Terry Stone ... Sergeant Gavin Wright
Neil Maskell ... Banksy
Emily Booth ... The Snipper
Stephen Graham ... Vince
Victoria Hopkins ... The Bride
Deborah Hyde ... The Barmaid
Nicola Jane Reading ... The Witch / Zombird Army - Nightgown

A bunch of guys head out to the country to get laid. They decide to ditch London and all of the women in their lives so that they can go pick up some new chicks. Or "Birds" in the vernacular of the English lads. One of their friends is going through a divorce and drinking some pints in the boondocks will certainly cheer him up. They charter a bus so that they can have a hot blonde haul them out there. When they get to the village, they are saddened to discover that all of the women have been transformed into bloodthirsty cannibals. The army has been experimenting on the town with a new chemical weapon that turns women into lethal killing machines. It was a raging success. Now the men have to do battle with the female zombie horde if they are going to survive the night.

"Doghouse" is a simple movie with only one thing on its devious mind. It wants to show us the joys of guys hanging out, drinking beer and killing women. Women who are psychotic cannibals but women nonetheless. Once the guys hit the country village, the rest of the movie becomes a game of survival as they run from house to house as zombirds close in on them. There are plenty of good gore scenes as limbs are removed and bodies are hacked up.

The men in "Doghouse" take their fear and resentment of women and channel it into homicidal rage as they attempt to destroy any zombird that gets in their path. "Doghouse" showcases all of the various ways one can mutilate a female zombie. There are women zombies dressed as a witch, a dentist, a barmaid and, (my favorite), a bride. Truly, these are scary archetypes of women. They could have used the teacher, the nurse and a zombie dressed as Wonder Woman to fill out the rest of the zombirds. Or are those porn archetypes? Either way, it would have been scary.

But "Doghouse" wants to keep the mood light amongst all of the carnage so it throws in a lame joke every now and then. I don't remember laughing too many times during the movie. In fact, I don't think I laughed at all. Horror/comedies are tricky and "Doghouse" doesn't quite get the comedy part of the equation right. However, as a goofy horror movie about killer zombirds, I had fun watching the war between the sexes break down into mass slaughter. "Doghouse" is worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 zombirds

"Seven Days" review

Seven Days (2010)

Director: Daniel Grou
Writers: Patrick Senécal

Claude Legault ... Bruno Hamel
Rémy Girard ... Hervé Mercure
Martin Dubreuil ... Anthony Lemaire
Fanny Mallette ... Sylvie Hamel
Rose-Marie Coallier ... Jasmine Hamel
Alexandre Goyette ... Boisevert

A young girl is raped and murdered and her father wants revenge. The murderer turns out to be a simpering pedophile who delights in tormenting children. The father decides to harness his smoldering rage and use it for something productive. He stages an elaborate kidnaping plot so he can have his daughter's killer all to himself. He decides to hold the freak hostage for seven days so he can torture him and show him the error of his ways. The father is a doctor which comes in handy when you want your torture victim to survive his wounds. The cops want to find him before he kills the pedophile. They don't really want to rescue the psycho as much as they want to save the doctor before he becomes a killer too.

What do you do with a pedophile? Should you take him to a cabin in the woods for some uninterrupted vengeance? Is it wrong to bash a child killer over the head with a steel chain? Is it so terrible to take a sledgehammer to a scumbag's legs? What is real justice for these criminals? These are the questions "Seven Days" tries to answer.

"Seven Days" is a hybrid crime thriller/horror movie. The filmmakers are not shy about showing the horrific acts the doctor inflicts on the pedophile. There are severe beatings with chains, sledgehammer bashings, unnecessary surgeries, and the occasional strangulations. The doctor likes to spread out the torture over the seven days so the pedophile can stay alive until the end. He wants to kill him on his daughter's birthday. What a great present it will be for his dead baby girl.

But does vengeance help heal the psychological wounds inflicted by murder? Is there such a thing as closure? Or does it even matter? Why stop the revenge when it feels so good? The doctor gets too much of a good thing as all of the beatings and blood spilling start to take its toll on his mental health. He thought all of the extreme violence would make him feel better but it still won't bring back his baby.

Violence begets more violence which begets a pretty good movie about cold vengeance. "Seven Days" is an effective thriller about obsessive revenge. Is there any other kind of revenge? I enjoyed watching the doctor go about his business of dispensing justice to the sick freak. "Seven Days" is worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 tortured freaks