"Thicker Than Water: The Vampire Diaries Part 1" review

Thicker Than Water: The Vampire Diaries Part 1 (2008)

Director: Phil Messerer
Writer: Phil Messerer

Devon Bailey ... Helen Baxter
Eilis Cahill ... Lara Baxter
JoJo Hristova ... Mom
Michael Strelow ... Raymond Baxter
Myles MacVane ... Max
Evan Lucas ... Mormon
Peter Morr ... Patrice Duchamp III
Anthony Morelli ... Dad
Samantha Phillips ... Mrs. Kerrigan

I was sent this DVD. My friend came over so that we could have a horror movie double feature. Nothing says good times like horror movie double feature. It was "Lights Camera Dead" followed by "The Vampire Diaries". I had been shamefully neglecting the DVD's that had been sent to me so I felt the need to have a blowout marathon. My friend agreed it was time for B-movie madness.

But the first step in any good movie marathon is Chipotle. We took out the GPS system so Karen, (the GPS has a female Australian accent), could tell us the most efficient route to Marina del Rey. But since I enjoy tormenting Karen, I often don't listen to her level headed instructions. "In point four miles, turn right at Fiji way. Turn right. I said turn right. Why don't you listen to me you idiot? Sigh.... Recalculating." That's right. I'm smarter than the satellite stalking me from heaven. At least I think I am.

So after dodging traffic accidents and a few missed turns, (why didn't I listen to Karen when I had the chance?!), we finally made it to the Chipotle oasis near the marina. After a satisfying burrito bowl and Negra Modelo, we moved the party over to Pinkberry. We ordered yogurts to go, (Is Pinkberry really yogurt? I don't know but it's tasty.), and headed back home. During the entire drive back, I ignored Karen's pleas to follow her course. She was recalculating throughout the entire trip. I was torturing her so bad with my indifference we had to power her down just to ease her recalculating mind before her mainframe blew and the satellite dropped from the sky.

We had just finished watching "Lights Camera Dead" and decided to jump right into "The Vampire Diaries". A Goth girl goes haywire when she realizes how much she hates her sister and proceeds to cast a spell on her. It's the dreaded Anne Rice curse. Her sister starts to get a nose bleed and doesn't stop bleeding until all the blood has drained from her body. The Goth girl immediately regrets her homicidal decision and wishes she could be with her sister again. As luck would have it, the sister returns from the dead as a vampire. The spell has turned the sister into the undead. She'll need a constant supply of blood to survive and her family is more than happy to help her get it. "The Vampire Diaries" asks the question: How much do you love your family? Would you still love your sibling if she turned out to be a blood sucking vampire? The good news for the vampire girl is that her family does care for her. The bad news is that I did not.

My friend and I had very different takes on this movie. He thought it was pretty good. Good acting, well shot, etc. He was ready to give it a three out of four. But I'm a picky man. I tend to be more critical. "Vampire Diaries" asks questions that I don't care about. This vampiric Addams family can crawl back to the gutter. I didn't care if the sisters learned to love each other again or if the brother could ever figure out what was wrong with his undead sister. By the end, I was so sick of listening to them whine that I wanted the sun to break into the house and melt the ghoulish sister.

While "Vampire Diaries" was a better made film than "Lights Camera Dead", neither one really held my interest. Both needed to embrace their B-movie roots and go for more outrageous horror scenes. Alas, it was not to be. They both tried their best at making a serious movie but I wasn't in the mood for their take on the horror genre. After Chipoltle and beer, you need to keep the party going. I'm an exploitation fan at heart and my double feature let me down.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 living dead girls

"Lights Camera Dead" review

Lights Camera Dead (2007)

Director: Tim Reaper
Writers: Monica Reaper Tim Reaper

Wes Reid... Ryan Black
Amy Lollo... Kari Price
J.C. Lira... Steven Didymus
Monica Moehring... Melanie
Coldon Martin... Ted
Ashby Brooks... T-Love
Stephanie Caston... Kari's mother
Richard Christy... The Composer

I was sent this DVD. My friend came over so that we could have a horror movie double feature. Nothing says good times like horror movie double feature. It was "Lights Camera Dead" followed by "The Vampire Diaries". I had been shamefully neglecting the DVD's that had been sent to me so I felt the need to have a blowout marathon. My friend agreed it was time for B-movie madness.

But the first step in any good movie marathon is Chipotle. We took out the GPS system so Karen, (the GPS has a female Australian accent), could tell us the most efficient route to Marina del Rey. But since I enjoy tormenting Karen, I often don't listen to her level headed instructions. "In point four miles, turn right at Fiji way. Turn right. I said turn right. Why don't you listen to me you idiot? Sigh.... Recalculating." That's right. I'm smarter than the satellite stalking me from heaven. At least I think I am.

So after dodging traffic accidents and a few missed turns, (why didn't I listen to Karen when I had the chance?!), we finally made it to the Chipotle oasis near the marina. After a satisfying burrito bowl and Negra Modelo, we moved the party over to Pinkberry. We ordered yogurts to go, (Is Pinkberry really yogurt? I don't know but it's tasty.), and headed back home. During the entire drive back, I ignored Karen's pleas to follow her course. She was recalculating throughout the entire trip. I was torturing her so bad with my indifference we had to power her down just to ease her recalculating mind before her mainframe blew and the satellite dropped from the sky.

Now I was ready for "Lights Camera Dead". A low budget film crew is trying to complete their zombie flick but little things keep preventing them from achieving success. You know, like money, time, reality, etc. When a disobedient editor tries to get the filmmakers to concede that they only have enough footage for a short film, this leads to murder and a brilliant idea. They decide to add some footage to the film by attacking their hated actors and filming the carnage. There's nothing more dangerous than a determined B-movie director. The actors will pay a heavy price for daring to slow down the movie making machine.

"Lights Camera Dead" is what I would refer to as a camcorder movie. The kind of B-flick that is made in the backyard with a bunch of friends over a long weekend. It's hard to take the hammer to these kind of movies as it's obvious that the people involved are movie fans just trying to take a stab at producing some low budget thrills. But it's even harder to say nice things about it because it is clearly made in somebody's backyard with a bunch of friends over a long weekend.

I tried to give in to "Lights Camera Dead" and it's cheap charm but it was no use. I was hoping for a simple zombie movie but the filmmakers really went out of their way to make an unnecessarily convoluted story. Well, it wasn't that convoluted but it took about an hour before anything remotely horror related happened. The rest of the movie is trying to treat us to the trials and tribulations of making a low budget movie. There are no zombies in "Lights Camera Dead", only filmmakers with insatiable bloodlust. This wasn't the horror movie I wanted to see.

Speaking of horror, where was it hiding in "Lights Camera Dead"? There's nothing scary or particularly gory about the movie. The only thing horrifying about the movie was the fact that they let the woman with the largest breasts keep her top on throughout the entire movie. [Side note: A female reader recently asked me why I wanted every B-movie to have topless women in it. The answer is obvious. They make every pointless movie a little better. If I can't find anything good to say, I can always look back on the breasts. A topless scene lets me know that the filmmakers care.] But "Lights Camera Dead" shamefully kept their lead actress clothed so I must scold it for that.

Overall, I wasn't satisfied with "Lights Camera Dead". It need a little more exploitation, a little more gore and a lot more horror to make it a solid B-movie. But I had some Chipotle so the evening wasn't a total loss. My friend looked a little beat up after this one but after a five minute break we were back at it. The marathon goes on...

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 fully clothed dead babes