"Blood Sisters" review

Blood Sisters (2003)

Directed by Joe Castro

Phoebe Dollar.... Rose
Erica Howards.... Tracy
Kerry Lui.... Melissa

I bought this video for three bucks. I pride myself on being the kind of person who would never pass up the chance to see a vampire sorority flick. "Blood Sisters" beckoned me. I also noticed that the funky eyed girl from "Hell's Highway" was in it, (Phoebe Dollar). I liked her in that flick and wanted to see her vamp it up.

So there's a vampire sorority on campus. It's real exclusive. It only has three members. That was all the movie could afford. They like to bring fools home and suck their blood. The new girl on campus gets suspicious of them and decides to investigate. Together with her hot Asian roommate, they'll get to the bottom of all of these vampire shenanigans.

Well, this blood sucker is no good. "Blood Sisters" is just too cheap. Everything about it reminds you that this movie was made for next to nothing. The inside of their "sorority house" looked like some poverty stricken haunted house. They actually have cheap-o spider webs running all around their living room. The gore effects are boring and repetitive. There are a lot of punctured, bloody necks but that's it. The acting is mighty low. The best bad acting scene has the "nice" girl unpacking her luggage and then ending the scene with a "Whew!' while wiping her arm across her forehead. Let's just say it was the phoniest "Whew!" I've ever heard. Put it all together and it tells you that "Blood Sisters" can be avoided.

The only good scene was the one where the Blood Sisters kidnap a woman and make her strip for them. She had this great flower tattoo running all the way down her leg. She also had great breasts. I rewound that scene three times. At least I managed to get something good out of this nightmarish sorority.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 blood sisters

"Naughty Fairy Tales" review

Naughty Fairy Tales (2002)
AKA Naked Fairy Tales

Directed by Eric Drake
Writing credits Gary P. Conner Dagmar Pitt

Marilyn Chambers
Veronica Hart
Nicholas W. Taylor
Raven
Julian Wells

"Naughty Fairy Tales" is not a good movie. Even calling it a movie is stretching it. Marilyn Chambers hosts a string of supposed erotic fairy tales. Every fairy tale scene is in slow motion. Slow motion and sex scenes do not mix. Chambers tells her tales of Cinderella, Little Red Riding Hood and other hot fairy tale babes only to have the viewer nod off to sleep when she puts them in slow motion.

First of all, where was the wolf girl? The front cover had a girl with a fake wolf nose holding Red Riding Hood while Red looked at her. I was hoping to see the wolf girl spring out of Grandma's clothes and jump on Riding Hood. Not only is there no girl wearing a wolf nose, there's no wolf girl at all. Some muscle bound dude plays the wolf. This is a Seduction flick? Where are the women?

Julian Wells shows up at the end for another slow motion sex scene. She's a blow up sex doll that comes to life when some gigantic guy inflates her. It wasn't a good scene. This guy was so huge, he was blocking Julian's body from the camera. No one wants that.

Julian Wells dominates this DVD. Well, not the actual movie itself, but the DVD is loaded with lots of Wells. The front cover screams "never before seen BONUS MATERIAL featuring MISTY MUNDAE and JULIAN WELLS." Their scene is from "Flesh for Olivia". There is also a "sexy" photo shoot with Wells. Then there is a kind of musical montage outtake scene from "Naked Fairy Tales" where Julian gets a case of the giggles. The behemoth in her sex scene must have had too many muscles for her. There's also two other bonus scenes in the extras if you just can't get enough Julian in your life.

Anyway, "Naughty Fairy Tales" is pretty bad. All of the sex scenes are in slow motion and they stink. That's a shame because most of the women in this one were pretty hot. I wouldn't mind seeing them in better movies. At least the extras were interesting. That was a lot of Julian bang for your buck but it's not enough to save this one.

SCORE: LANDFILL

"The Matrix Reloaded" review

The Matrix Reloaded (2003)

Directed byAndy Wachowski Larry Wachowski
Writing credits Andy Wachowski Larry Wachowski

Monica Bellucci.... Persephone
Daniel Bernhardt.... Agent Johnson
Valerie Berry.... Priestess
Laurence Fishburne.... Morpheus
Gloria Foster.... The Oracle
Carrie-Anne Moss.... Trinity
Keanu Reeves.... Neo
Hugo Weaving.... Agent Smith

Neo is GOD. At least he thinks he is. I'm not so sure. He reloads into the Matrix to put an end to all this war nonsense. Neo knows what he's supposed to do because he is a true believer in fate. Fate will guide him to the next scene. Lots of kung fu gets mushed together with ponderings on man and machine's place in the Matrix. It apparently has everything to do with choice. Or maybe it was purpose. Or maybe there is no point and that's the point. The end is the beginning and life is in an endless loop. Philosophy 101 is in session and it's called "The Matrix Reloaded".

Every character knows everything. Every action has been foretold. Everybody is a perfect fighter, lover and philosopher. Suspense drains from the "Matrix" as perfection is dull. The evil computers tried to make a perfect Matrix but it was rejected by the human mind. Why couldn't the filmmakers have learned from the machine's mistake?

I wasn't impressed. Nothing impressed me. That's the saddest thing about this movie. Cars were exploding, slow motion kung fu was happening yet none of it was exciting. Neo fighting all the agents? FAKE! It was obviously a computer graphic doing battle with other F/X. The car chase? Admittedly cool. But it has the same problem that the rest of the flick has. Everybody is perfect and devoid of any emotion. Not a trickle of sweat or a seed of doubt was exerted by any character. They weren't worried about their situation so why should I be? "The Oracle has foretold the rest of the movie. Neo will save us, why get excited?" My thoughts exactly.

So while the action is plentiful, it's not exciting. This was a heartbreaker for me. It was the same effects and action from the first. But what sinks this one is its overdose of philosophical musings on life and meaning in the Matrix.

There was a severe absence of humor in this movie. Everybody was so serious about being perfect that they spent every spare second wondering why they do what they do. They were at least four scenes where some smarmy character explains life to Neo. I thought Neo was GOD. Doesn't he know everything? The slimy guy in the restaurant, the Oracle, the president of Zion and the Orson Welles wannabe at the end all took time out of their schedule to have a therapy session with Neo about choices and purpose and choosing life with a purpose. They bored the audience and explained nothing. Could this movie be more full of itself? AAACCKK! I choked on the pretentious gobbledygook.

Life is left to fate but you have a choice. You can choose to let "The Matrix Reloaded" pass you by.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 false Neo Gods

"Freddy vs Jason" review

Freddy Vs. Jason (2003)

Directed by Ronny Yu

Writing credits Damian Shannon Mark Swift

Robert Englund.... Freddy Krueger
Ken Kirzinger.... Jason Voorhees
Monica Keena.... Lori Campbell
Kelly Rowland.... Kia Waterson
Katharine Isabelle.... Gibb

Now this is one match-up that I have waited many full moons to see. I have howled in disappointment as year after year went by without these two titans doing battle. I am a full blooded Jason Voorhees fan. Freddy needed to die. I wanted the hockey masked maniac to get a piece of Freddy and tear it off.

"Freddy vs. Jason" makes one thing abundantly clear: These characters are not scary anymore. The monsters have become the heroes. No one fears for the lives of the victims. Every time Jason twisted someone's head off or gave them a taste of his blade, the audience was cheering. We want the monsters to win. Freddy has always been a wise guy. Every one of his kills was the punch line. Jason caused fear at one point but now we cheer his mass murdering ways. Jason has more of a deadpan style than Freddy. He's the straight man to homicidal comedian Freddy.

So Freddy needs Jason to come back to life. Jason takes the machete to the new kids on Elm Street's block. The survivors start thinking Freddy is responsible for the hacking and slashing. It's too bad for Freddy that Jason is a glutton and can't stop killing Elm Street kids. Freddy takes it personal. No one messes with his victims.

This all leads up to the title bout: "FREDDY vs. JASON". Finally! This is where the movie shines. There is plenty of blood and guts and hacking and slashing and, well, everything you wanted to see. The fight at the end is a great payoff scene. I enjoyed the carnage.

I don't think you could ask for much more from a movie called "Freddy vs. Jason". It delivered the fight everyone wanted to see. Freddy was sufficiently gutted for my tastes.

MOVIE SCORE: 3.5 out of 4 Freddy slaughters

BATTLE SCORE: Jason - Triumphant. Freddy - Dead meat.

"Accidental Stripper" review

Accidental Stripper (2003)
AKA Lost Innocence

Directed by Woquini Adams
Writing credits Connie Milton

Myla Leigh .... Janey
Akira Lane .... Candace
Anette Moeller .... Angel
Zana Cochran .... Coco

I saw this on cable the other day. A blonde who looks like she should be a stripper inherits a strip club. Stripper Serendipity. She's the "Accidental Stripper". She has a hot Asian friend, (Akira Lane), who tags along to help her manage her new asset. The veteran strippers are very catty and don't like this new blonde in their midst. New stripper blood is pumped into the club to do some schoolgirl uniform stripping and the customers rejoice. Too bad the viewers are left out in the cold.

"Accidental Stripper" is pretty lame. Limp, edited in a blender sex scenes don't make for a good late night party. That's disappointing because most of the women in this one were fairly hot. I had high hopes. I really liked the Asian babe, Akira. She had a pair on her that would make you reach for your, uh, beer. Yeah. She was the best part of this one.

Hey, when did it become fashionable in softcore flicks to have music blast over every single scene? I mean, a little background music is OK but does techno/dance music need to dominate the soundtrack during a sex scene? Sex scenes have their own soundtracks. It goes a little something like this, "Uh, uhhhhh, mmmmm…Yeah ,that's it…YES!" etc. You get the idea. Every sex scene in "Accidental Stripper" was a disco inferno.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 Akira infernos

"Hybrid" review

Hybrid (1997)

Directed by Fred Olen Ray

Writing credits Sean O'Bannon

John Blyth Barrymore.... Dr. Paul Hamilton
Brinke Stevens.... Dr. Leslie Morgan
J.J. North.... Carla Ferguson
Tim Abell.... McQueen

Brinke Stevens and a bunch of other people are driving through the desert looking for a place to crash and take a shower. They come across an abandoned research facility with the standard out of control genetic mutation ready to kill them. This makes Brinke Stevens all hot and sweaty. She hops into the shower with another woman and together they proceed to lather each other up. Speaking of lathering up, the viewer is cheering on the shower party. OOOH, OK Brinke. Don't miss a spot. Clean her back. That's good. Slower. Slooower. OK Faster. MMMM...

Brinke Stevens shower in space is the best and ONLY reason to see this movie. The rest of the flick was a standard B monster movie. Monster wanders around, kills a few people, chases a few others, etc. Standard. But the shower scene was excellent. My God, there should be a shower scene in every movie. And Brinke Stevens should be in it.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 showers in spaaaaace!!

"Prison a Go Go!" review

Prison-A-Go-Go! (2003)

Directed by Barak Epstein
Writing credits Barak Epstein Mike Wiebe

Rhonda Shear.... Jackpot
Mary Woronov.... Dyanne She-Bitch Slutface
Laurie Walton.... Janie
Travis Willingham.... Dr. Hurtrider
Lauren Graham.... Callista

One of the extras on the "Prison a Go Go" DVD is an interview with the director. It has him sitting by a pool at a Hollywood motel talking about the making of this movie. During the interview, he constantly brings up the lack of money involved and how he really was trying to make fun of 70's schlock women in prison flicks. He also half heartedly apologized for the low quality of his gratuitous shower scenes because of the lack of funding. All I can say is that I'm glad I saw this interview before writing this review. If I hadn't, I would be taking a baseball bat to this DVD and bashing it into a thousand pieces.

"Prison a Go Go" starts out with one of those pretentious "A film by…" credits as if anyone knows who in the heck this guy is. Within two seconds, I knew this movie was going to derail. "Prison a Go Go" is not a woman's prison movie. It has no interest in woman's prison movies. No self respecting director would take the time to film himself (!) in a woman's prison movie. This movie is attempting to be funny by using and abusing various B-movie genres such as the mad scientist who works in a woman's prison and is attacked by ninja's genre. If I had laughed more than once, I might have enjoyed this movie. Instead, I gritted my teeth as one lame joke after another fell flat.

One of the recurring jokes is that it puts a "Shower clock" in the lower right hand side of the screen to show you when the next ladies showering scene will be. This was added in so guys could just fast forward to the next shower scene. This would have been interesting if the shower scenes were worth fast forwarding to! I say, with the full authority that comes with watching a lot of women's prison flicks, that these shower scenes were pathetic. One of the main reasons I rented this movie was to see Rhonda Shear getting clean in the shower. Oh she's taking a shower all right, but they film her from the neck up! What? Why!? They can't even get their main character to get topless for them! NOOOOO!!! It makes no sense! Why did they bother making a woman's prison flick? The girls who do get topless flash on the screen for a second and it was a second too long. It's a good thing the director apologized for the lack of showering quality in the interview or I would have gladly destroyed this movie.

"Prison a Go Go" is not an exploitation flick. It's just an excuse for a bunch of Grade A film geeks to get together and make a stupid movie that only they will laugh at. Here's some good advice: Woman's prison movies are not to be ridiculed and scoffed at. There are to be treasured and revered as the perfect vehicles of exploitation that they are. If you're a woman's prison fan, don't see this. It will only hurt you. You can't laugh at the lack of nudity in the prison shower scenes. Gratuitous shower scenes are not the same without gratuitous naked breasts.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 busted shower clocks

"Cruel Intentions" review

Cruel Intentions (1999)

Directed by Roger Kumble
Writing credits Choderlos de Laclos Roger Kumble

Sarah Michelle Gellar.... Kathryn Merteuil
Ryan Phillippe.... Sebastian Valmont
Reese Witherspoon.... Annette Hargrove
Selma Blair.... Cecile Caldwell

So the rich kids are playing their games with "Cruel Intentions". Buffy tells her stepbrother to get busy seducing the virgin girl if he wants to get naked with her. Otherwise, she gets his hot car as payment if he can't do it. She wants to see if he's cruel enough to be with her. A girl has to have standards.

I had a movie pass when this flick came out so I decided to check it out. The pass let me get in for free. I'm glad I did decide to look into this one because it has the most perfect kiss between two women ever put into a mainstream movie.

*KISS SCENE SPOILER*

Selma Blair and Sarah Michelle Gellar are in the park talking about kissing. The right way to kiss, etc. So Selma is shy and doesn't know how... (I'm sitting there clutching my soda). So then Sarah takes her giant sunglasses off and says she'll teach her. In a stroke of cinematic genius, the camera frames it so that the entire movie screen is nothing but their two heads kissing.

Filmmakers take note! THIS is how you film a kiss between women! Nothing else in frame is important! Focus on their mouths! Fantastic scene! Bravo! Encore!

SCORE: 3 out of 4 for one perfect kiss

First, you start slow.

Then you get a little closer.

Then you pull in real tight.

Linger on the lips. It's all about female lips. Always, always remember that.

"Shark Zone" review

Shark Zone (2003)

Directed by Danny Lerner
Writing credits Danny Lerner Sam Parish

Dean Cochran .... Jimmy Wagner/Young Jimmy Wagner
Alan Austin .... Mayor John Cortell/Andrew Wagner
Brandi Sherwood .... Carrie Wagner

So there's a bunch of sharks in a zone. A Shark Zone. The mayor sends out the world's worst shark hunter to clean up the Shark Zone. His modus operandi is to look into his binoculars and make pained expressions as every living soul he knows gets chewed on by sharks.

There were a lot of shark attacks in this flick. The sharks were gluttonous pigs. They couldn't eat enough bathers at their beach buffet. Most of the shark attacks were film clips of real sharks swimming and then a lot of thrashing and yelling and red water to simulate the kill.

"Shark Zone" has its B-movie points. I always enjoy a good, bloody shark attack. Just don't expect much in the way of logic or originality. Expect shark munching and a clueless shark hunter.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 zoning sharks

"Allyson is Watching" review

Allyson Is Watching (1997)

Directed by Robert Kubilos
Writing credits David Keith Miller

Caroline Ambrose.... Bridget
David Andriole.... Jerry
Sean Thibodeau.... Peter
Jennifer Hammon.... Allyson Roper (as Jennifer Leigh Hammon)

I bought this DVD because of some of the User Comments on the IMDb. Some of the comments mentioned that this film has one of the best softcore lesbian sex scenes ever. Ever! That's a bold statement. That kind of endorsement for a movie gets my money. So I bought it.

"Allyson is Watching" is all about Allyson watching. Allyson moves to L.A. and happens to have a hot next door neighbor. Lucky for her, there's a peep hole in her apartment where she can be all the voyeur she can be. Sounds pretty good doesn't it? But I'm afraid I have to tell you that "Allyson is Watching" does NOT have the best lesbian sex scene ever. I was not overly thrilled with this particular sex scene. However, it was still decent. But to say it is the best ever is simply false. Let me tell you why.

You see, "Allyson is Watching" is not filmed like a porno flick. Some of you may be saying, "That's good! It's not supposed to be a porno!" Yes. I agree. But porno flicks have perfected the art of the girl on girl sex scene. In a porno, (and in any good softcore flick), there are two keys to success. The first key is close-ups. Lots of close-ups. Always do close-ups on the girl's mouths. No matter what they are doing, it will be interesting. (See "Cruel Intentions" for one of the best close-ups on a girl/girl kiss ever. Ever!) The second and most important key is to do away with editing. Editing is bad. Evil. Long takes are where it's at. The camera has to stay on the action long enough for the viewer to...uh...enjoy it. Take it all in. You can't have the camera zooming all over the place. "Allyson is Watching" is a decent enough softcore flick but does it have the best sex scene ever? No. It doesn't embrace the two keys to success and instead pretends that it's a real movie. Nobody wants that. Well, at least I don't.

While some people will enjoy this flick because the women were actually decent actors which made their sex scene a little hotter, I will toss this flick in the porno box and let it collect dust. Allyson won't be watching for awhile.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Allyson voyeurs

What are you looking at?

Oh, right.

Voyeur time is over.

"Countess Dracula's Orgy of Blood" review

Countess Dracula's Orgy of Blood (2004)

Directed by Donald F. Glut
Writing credits Donald F. Glut

Jacinto Molina.... Padre Jacinto
Glori-Anne Gilbert.... Diana
Kennedy Johnston.... Roxanne
Eyana Barsky.... Martine
Belinda Gavin.... Anne

I don't know about you but when I hear the title "Countess Dracula's Orgy of Blood" I have no choice but to run right out and buy the movie immediately. Oh sure, I know that I'm more than likely going to be let down but I don't care. I couldn't possibly be a B-movie fan if I didn't have the stamina to put up with bad movie-making now and again.

So Countess Dracula has a thing for women. She is resurrected in present day L.A. and goes on the prowl. Her vampire brother needs her to go out and stalk for her. So she heads out and rounds up as many prostitutes as she can find. Much blood sucking and lesbian couplings follow. Soon the vampire siblings will focus on one girl who reminds them of a long lost love. More blood sucking and lesbian couplings follow.

I was slightly disappointed with this one. Glori-Anne Gilbert, (Countess Dracula), is not the most convincing sex performer I've ever seen. All of her girl/girl scenes were kind of a letdown. She didn't look like she knew what she was doing. Her kissing scenes definitely needed work. Basically, she sticks her tongue out and then hopes that something connects to the other end. Hey, if you're going to kiss someone, use the whole mouth, not just the tip of the tongue. I'm picky about these things. Most of the other sex scenes were OK. The best was at the end with Eyana Barski and two other girls.

On the plus side, there is a lot of nudity. Gilbert is a giant of a woman with appropriate giant-sized breasts. Most of the other women were pretty hot as well. "Countess Dracula's Orgy of Blood" had many pleasant B-movie elements. Vampires, strippers, prostitutes, blood sucking etc. If you're not overly picky, it's probably worth a look.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 hungry Gilberts

"Bad Boys II" review

Bad Boys II (2003)

Directed by Michael Bay

Writing credits George Gallo Marianne Wibberley

Martin Lawrence .... Detective Marcus Burnett
Will Smith .... Detective Mike Lowrey
Jordi Mollà .... Hector Juan Carlos 'Johnny' Tapia
Gabrielle Union .... Syd
Peter Stormare .... Alexei
Theresa Randle .... Theresa

"Bad Boys II" is a throwback to the action movies of yesteryear. This is the kind of flick Schwarzenegger used to make with gleeful abandon. There was no regard for human life, no sense of living in reality and mass murder was hilarious. My God, this movie just didn't care one tiny bit. I loved it. "Bad Boys II" gives the critics the finger and hits a sledgehammer over the head of action movie fans for their blood and guts fix.

Every part of my soul is telling me that it's wrong to like a movie that promotes such anti-social values as laughing at decapitation. There was horror movie level gore in this flick but it was all done for laughs. Look! His skull popped open! AH-HAHAHAHA!! Stop! You're killing me! Bodies are meant to be mangled and blown up. And mangled they get.

So there was some story about drugs coming into Miami or some nonsense. That's not important. What is important is Smith and Lawrence destroying Miami as viciously as possible while cracking jokes about their chaos. Gabrielle Union shows up as Lawrence's sister and looks great in a bikini. That was a pleasant scene to help lighten up the carnage.

It's very important that you approach this madness knowing that nothing you see has anything to do with reality. If real cops acted this way, they'd be executed immediately. The name of this game is car chase carnage. If you like wild, violent car chases, you need to see this movie. That's what it excels at. I was very pleased. The movie is a bit too long but when your excessive length is due to excessive violence, I'm happy to stick around.

SCORE: 3.5 out of 4 for gleeful action excess

And for Gabrielle Union. You didn't think I was going to let this one get by without pictures of her now did you?

In the spirit of this fine film, here's some more over the top excess. I give you:

GABRIELLE!

"Raging Sharks" review

Raging Sharks (2005)

Directed by Danny Lerner
Writing credits Les Weldon

Corin Nemec .... Dr. Mike Olsen
Vanessa Angel .... Linda Olsen
Corbin Bernsen .... Capt. Riley
Todd Jensen .... Ben Stiles

Any shark movie that starts off with an alien spaceship exploding is either zooming towards B-movie brilliance or crashing into complete disaster. "Raging Sharks" lands somewhere near the disaster line although parts of it I found amusing.

All shark movies spring from "Jaws". "Jaws" was not only the best shark movie ever made but also one of the best movies ever made. Every shark movie since then has tried to capture a little of its magic. "Raging Sharks" decides it wants it all. It wants a sci-fi angle, lots of growling sharks, a beach attack, some underwater lab attacks, and a little "Under Siege" action to boot. It was too much to digest, even for a raging shark.

So some gold canister from outer space lands in the ocean and causes the sharks to rage. Vanessa Angel works at an undersea lab and keeps staring at monitors screaming, "Get out of there! Get out of there!", as half her crew gets eaten. They eat everybody. Why the undersea crew keeps getting back into the water with hordes of angry sharks swimming everywhere is a mystery. Soon the sharks get bored and eat half the bathers in Bermuda in a long scene of shark munching. This was a good scene as the sharks howled like lions as they devoured their prey. This all leads to a submarine attack on the sharks and a lot of fighting with a bad guy in the lab and some other things the filmmakers decided to throw into the B-movie stew.

"Raging Sharks" just had too much on its mind. It should have been focusing on sharks. There's a good 20-25 minute stretch where the sharks disappear so Vanessa and her husband can do battle with a traitor in their midst. Now, if the sharks were breaking into the lab at the same time as their drawn out fight, then we would have had something. But the sharks were off raging somewhere else. Overall, "Raging Sharks" is a little wackier than the usual straight to video shark flick. If you like your shark movies with everything but the kitchen sink thrown in, you might get into it. As for me, I would let these sharks rage somewhere else.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 raging, out of control sharks

"Wild Things" review

Wild Things (1998)

Directed by John McNaughton

Writing credits Stephen Peters

Matt Dillon.... Sam Lombardo
Kevin Bacon.... Sgt. Ray Duquette
Neve Campbell.... Suzie Marie Toller
Theresa Russell.... Sandra Van Ryan
Denise Richards.... Kelly Lanier Van Ryan
Daphne Rubin-Vega.... Det. Gloria Perez
Robert Wagner.... Tom Baxter
Bill Murray.... Kenneth Bowden

I saw this one in a packed theater on a Saturday night. The movie was pushing all the right buttons. It was cruising along, doing it's thing, when it comes to a scene with Denise Richards, Neve Campbell and Matt Dillon all in bed together. The second the two girls went to kiss each other, a woman in front of me jumped up and yelled, "What is this junk? Porno?!". She ran out and left her boyfriend behind. He and I and the rest of the audience enjoyed a great, great scene.

What is it about women kissing each other? God help me, I cannot get enough of it. It's all about female lips. No matter what they're doing, it'll be interesting. In fact, of all the things you could film, two women kissing each other is the most hypnotic and the most satisfying. Well, at least in my world it is. Well known movie fact: Lesbian sex improves any movie. "Wild Things" is no exception. It's mainstream exploitation at its finest.

Bill Murray was also hilarious as a sleazy lawyer. But the stars of this show were the Wild Things. They had another great scene together in a swimming pool. The girls were having some fun. So was I.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 wild things

"Witchcraft 7: Judgement Hour" review

Witchcraft 7: Judgement Hour (1995)

Directed by Michael Paul Girard

Writing credits Jerry Feifer Peter E. Fleming

David Byrnes .... Will Spanner
April Breneman .... Keli
Loren Schmalle .... Martin

I rented "Witchcraft 7" because it had a vicious looking vampire on the video box cover. Perhaps I should have snuck a peek at the previous entries in the series to get a taste for where the movie was heading. The video box screamed vampires but the movie had only tits. Lots of breasts. A thousand or so. OK, that's a slight exaggeration. Very slight.

Horror is nowhere in sight. There is just softcore sex and breasts. I'm not complaining too loudly mind you. If I was going to get cheated out of a horror flick, this was the best way. Some guy is supposedly hunting down vampires but believe me when I tell you that this is a complete lie. Forget vampires. Think breasts. Think vampire breasts. Are you thinking of them? Good.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 for non-stop breasts

Side note: Big fan of cleavage. Did you know that there are actually terms for different types of cleavage? Well, there are. And here they are:

Cleavage Décolleté or Décolletage is cleavage produced by a low-cut neckline that exposes the neck, shoulders and parts of the breasts. Décollatage evolved in Europe during the late middle ages, and was the first exposure to evolve with swimwear. Push-up bras such as the Wonderbra aim to maximise cleavage by forcing the breasts together and providing lift.

Cleavage Centros - Also of European origin, this type of cleavage is primarily a function of the neckline, plunging down toward the breasts in a "V" like style. This style is different from décolletage in that décolletage focuses on the top side of the breasts, while centros on the space between the breasts. Extreme examples would include partially open shirts.

You didn't know you could learn something from a review of "Witchcraft 7" did you?

"Wild Side" review

Wild Side (1995)

Directed by Donald Cammell

Writing credits China Kong Donald Cammell

Anne Heche .... Alex Lee/Johanna
Christopher Walken .... Bruno Buckingham
Joan Chen .... Virginia Chow
Steven Bauer .... Tony

I bought the unrated version of this movie. The video box cover has Christopher Walken rubbing his chin while staring at Anne Heche kissing Joan Chen's neck. The movie held promise. Based on this cover, I felt it was reasonable to expect Anne Heche to explore her love for Joan Chen. I was not disappointed.

So Anne is a banker by day, hooker by night. It's never the other way around. You know, hooker by day, banker by night. That would be interesting. Anyway, Anne immerses herself in the world of money laundering with Walken and Chen. Anne falls in love with Chen in the process.

This leads to the highlight of the movie. During a long lunch and a rendezvous in the bathroom, we see Anne fall slowly in love with the beautiful Joan Chen. This leads to their slow and VERY erotic sex scene. This pleased me immensely.

Some women look sexy with short hair and Anne Heche is one of them. She shows us her breasts on several occasions as well which is also a good thing. If I had to guess the movie was about anything, I would say it's about finding love where you find it. Anne falls in love with Chen, they have hot sex, and the viewer rejoices.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 for Anne Heche gone wild!

"Burial of the Rats" review

Burial of the Rats (1995)

Directed by Dan Golden
Writing credits Adrien Hein Tara McCann

Adrienne Barbeau.... The Queen
Maria Ford.... Madeleine
Kevin Alber.... Bram Stoker
Nikki Fritz.... Rat Woman
Linnea Quigley.... Rat Woman

Bram Stoker gets kidnapped by an all-female cult. The cult of the Rat Women. At first, they want to feed him to the rats because he's another lousy, lying, worthless man. But Bram soon proves his worth to the rat ladies as it becomes clear that his writing powers may be beneficial to their cause. His graphic descriptions of their carnage will drive fear into the hearts of men. One of the rat women, (Maria Ford), starts to fall under his spell. Bram wants to prove his love for his princess and hopefully get out of Rat Women land alive.

As goofy movies about rat women go, this was pretty good. I enjoyed it. Adrienne Barbeau showed as much dignity as a woman with rats crawling on her lap possibly could. Maria Ford was pretty good as the naive sex kitten. She gets topless as do many other rat women. The Queen likes to send rats to do her murderous bidding. These rats must be famished because they strip bodies to the bone faster than a piranha. "Burial of the Rats" has blood, guts, hungry rats and topless rat women. It's got most everything a B-movie needs. It's worth a look.

One last thing, you might be tempted to rent this because you noticed that Linnea Quigley and Nikki Fritz are in it. Don't be fooled. Fritz is in it for five seconds at the most. Quigley pops up three or four times. Both clock in at less than a minute and do absolutely nothing. I found that slightly disappointing because I rented it with the hopes that all of the rat women would get their chance to shine. But some rat women were greater than others. Rats.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 sexy rat women

"Jawbreaker" review

Jawbreaker (1999)

Directed by Darren Stein
Writing credits Darren Stein

Rose McGowan.... Courtney Alice Shayne
Rebecca Gayheart.... Julie Freeman
Julie Benz.... Marcie Fox
Judy Greer.... Fern Mayo/Vylette

There are two reasons to see this movie. One is Rebecca Gayheart. The other is Rose McGowan. Both are lovely in their own way. Gayheart is the nice supermodel of the school. McGowan is the high school sex bomb. My favorite scene was at the beginning where the girls strut down the hall to "Yoo Hoo" by Imperial Teen. I've been mulling it over and I can't choose between them. They're both gorgeous.

So as an excuse to watch hot women in high school, "Jawbreaker" is a success. As far as it being a black comedy, the results are decidedly mixed. I suppose it was trying to make the point that high school is war and its kill or be killed for popularity. It wasn't really a humorous point though.

The movie starts off with a kidnapping of the most popular girl. They stick a gigantic Jawbreaker in her mouth to shut her up and toss her in the trunk of their car. When they open the trunk to get the girl out, you get to see the girl's corpse with the Jawbreaker lodged in her throat. This may not have been the best jumping off point for a comedy. You can call it a black comedy but it was still pretty grisly. More to the point, I didn't laugh once during "Jawbreaker".

Beautiful women. So-so movie.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 strutting teens - "She said YOO-HOO..."

"Who wants to be an Erotic Billionaire?" review

Who Wants to Be an Erotic Billionaire? (2002)

Directed by John Bacchus
Writing credits Zachary Winston Snygg

Bethany Lott
Debbie Rochon.... Various characters
Allison Slinger(as Allison S.)
Zachary Winston Snygg
Vivica Taylor.... Bambi
Julian Wells.... Remis Phildin

"Who wants to be an Erotic Billionaire?" must be the cheapest movie ever made. If this cost more than $500 to make, I would be shocked. You would think a game show that promises to give away a billion dollars a show would be able to afford a decent looking set. They basically shot the entire movie in one cruddy looking room. Most of the dialogue scenes consist of a single person talking into the camera. It looks like everyone filmed their scenes separately, (probably in a one day marathon session), and then the movie was glued together. It is a shamelessly cheap flick.

But of course, we all know what's truly important here. Julian Wells asks at the beginning of the movie, "Who DOESN'T want to be an erotic billionaire?". My thoughts exactly. So we get two women and two guys vying for a chance at a billion dollars and sex with the lovely Bambi. The girls are lobbed the soft questions, "What's your favorite color?" and the guys are thrown the hard curveballs, "Who was the Secretary of Agriculture for Nixon's second term?" The men are treated with the disdain and disgust they deserve for having the audacity to show up in a lesbian sex flick.

Speaking of lesbian sex, three cheers for Bambi! That is how it is done. Bambi was a great prize to give away. All of the girls were winners and got to partake in their reward right there on the studio floor. After watching it all, I truly felt that I was the real winner here.

Basically, you've got four sex scenes. Bambi is in three of them and Wells is in two. The last sex scene starts off as a big Bambi gang bang and then segues into a pile on Julian party. All of the sex scenes are pretty good. The rest of the movie consists of Wells asking the contestants asinine questions. The girls get shown some mercy and the guys get the shaft. It's just as well. I didn't want to see the guys become erotic billionaires anyway.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 for hot Bambi billionaire action

"Barton Fink" review

Barton Fink (1991)

Directed by Joel Coen
Writing credits Joel Coen Ethan Coen

John Turturro.... Barton Fink
John Goodman.... Charlie Meadows
Judy Davis.... Audrey Taylor
Michael Lerner.... Jack Lipnick
John Mahoney.... W.P. Mayhew
Tony Shalhoub.... Ben Geisler
Jon Polito.... Lou Breeze
Steve Buscemi.... Chet

"Barton Fink" is about Barton Fink. Catchy title eh? Fink is a writer. He's a writer for the common man. He wants to create a new, living, breathing theater "of and about the common man". He has one hit play and then shuffles off to Hollywood to continue his fight for artistic purity. The second he gets there, Hollywood has different plans. They want him to get cracking on a wrestling picture. "People are going to say to you, Wallace Beery, wrestling, it's a B-picture." Fink slowly realizes he's in over his head in a low genre. Thankfully his neighbor, (John Goodman), shows up to help Fink connect to the mind of the common man. Fink can't hear him because he's too busy listening to himself talk about nothing.

There are a couple of different movies going on in "Barton Fink". My favorite one, and the most funny, is the story of pretentious Fink and the harsh reality check he gets from the Hollywood players. Jack Lipnick, (Michael Lerner), is hilarious. He's the studio head who talks a mile a minute. He confounds Barton with his West Coast ways. He has showmanship and Barton has none. Fink also runs into another fast talking studio exec, Ben Geisler, (Tony Shalhoub). All the scenes with Lerner and Shalhoub are classic. I've watched this movie many times just to see those scenes. The fast forward button took me to the scenes I needed.

The rest of "Barton Fink" is an odd tale. There is murder, Goodman, cops, writers block and visions of Hell. Fink came out to L.A. to show us something beautiful but got knocked to his knees as Hollywood showed him the way things really are: Their way or no way. A surreal cautionary tale about Hollywood although it makes me want to meet some slick guys like Lipnick and Geisler. I would laugh my head off as they tell me how idiotic I am. "We don't put Wally Beery in a fruity movie about suffering! I thought we were together on that!!"

SCORE: 3.5 out of 4 Lipnicks

"Hatchetman" review

Hatchetman (2003)

Directed by Robert Tiffi

Writing credits Robert Tiffi

Cheryl Renee.... Claudia Wagner (as Cheryl Burns)
Chris Moir.... Rob
Jon Briddell.... Sonny Banner
Mia Zottoli.... Star (as Mia)

The filmmakers of "Hatchetman" don't know anything about making a slasher film but they know a lot about making an exploitation movie. "Hatchetman" is about a psycho with a cheap mask and an even cheaper hatchet attacking strippers. A cop shows up to investigate all of these dastardly stripper murders. Will he solve the case and make up with his stripper girlfriend? Do we care? Bring on the breasts!

Speaking of breasts, I must take a moment and praise Mia Zottoli AKA Ava Lake. The filmmakers had the good sense to keep Mia around for as long as possible. The first time I saw her topless, I started singing "Some kind of wonderful!". After seeing her shower scene, it was time to sing "She's a brick...house!". Mia's wonderful brick house makes "Hatchetman" worth seeing.

Any movie that starts off in a strip club has got to be good on some level. Strippers and slashers are a potent exploitation movie mix. As a slasher movie, "Hatchetman" is pretty weak. There's nothing scary happening here. But for a bountiful harvest of breasts, "Hatchetman" has a bumper crop.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 bountiful Zottolis

"Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" review

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (2001)

Directed by Kevin Smith
Writing credits Kevin Smith

Jason Mewes .... Jay
Kevin Smith .... Silent Bob
Ben Affleck .... Holden McNeil/Himself
Jeff Anderson .... Randal Graves
Brian O'Halloran .... Dante Hicks (as Brian Christopher O'Halloran)
Shannon Elizabeth .... Justice
Eliza Dushku .... Sissy
Ali Larter .... Chrissy

Jay and Silent Bob go to Hollywood to ruin a movie. On the way there, they have many wacky adventures. The best one involves Eliza Dushku. My God she is hot. Seeing her makes me want to live! The scene with her on the balcony in a T-shirt drinking a bottle of champagne was the highlight of the movie. I'm serious. Not the comedic highlight, but certainly the most visually satisfying one.

So Wasteoid Jay and Zen Master Bob hit the road to Hollywood. They discover the internet in this movie and about all the malicious dorks who post nasty comments about the makers of filmed entertainment. Since they are being slagged without mercy, they feel they must have their vengeance. It's time to "Strike Back".

The ending of this flick felt like a sweet revenge fantasy for Kevin Smith. Jay and Silent Bob track down all the people who bad mouthed them and beat them up. Yeah, obsessive geeks who hide behind fake names on the internet and deride famous people on movie websites ought to have their ass kicked. So says Dr. Gore. [Start Heavy Sarcastic tone] In fact, I think movie stars are beyond criticism. Why can't we all just love every single movie they put out? Give them all our money and be happy with it. [End Sarcasm]. Does violence really solve anything against their critics? Jay and Silent Bob don't care when it feels so good.

Overall, "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" is a very funny, profanity-filled comedy. "Good Will Hunting 2" and Mark Hamill's Cockknocker attack were my two favorite spots. "Why do they call you Cockknocker?" "That's actually a funny story... AAAAHHHH!!" "Avenge me.." You'd have to see it. Besides, how can you not like a movie with Eliza Dusku, Ali Larter and Shannon Elizabeth as leather clad super criminals? How can you not?! Just don't make fun of Jay and Silent Bob. They're watching the websites and taking names.

SCORE: 3.5 out of 4 life-affirming Dushkus

"The Mummy's Kiss" review

The Mummy's Kiss (2003)

Directed by Donald F. Glut

Writing credits Donald F. Glut

Mia Zottoli.... Ramsay Amun/Hor-Shep-Sut (as Mia)
Sasha Peralto.... Ana Harwa/Princess Hat-Em-Akhet (as Sasha Peralta)
Aysia Lee.... Tina Kim
Richard Lynch.... Dr. Wallis Harwa
Katie Lohmann.... Isis
Regina Russell.... Helena
April Flowers.... Yvonne (as Diana Espen)
Elina Madison.... Carrie

Some of the women in this one looked familiar but I didn't recognize any of the names listed on the back of the box. The main mummy babe is listed in the credits as "Ava Niche". Upon viewing her topless, I knew exactly who she was. That's the mighty Ava Lake AKA Mia Zottoli. What a relief to find her in this one. She saved "Mummy's Kiss" from the garbage can.

"Mummy's Kiss" is not a good softcore flick nor is it a good B-movie. It's too serious and somber for a movie about a horny mummy babe. The sex scenes are weak. On the plus side, there are a lot of topless women but I was dismayed that the hot Asian teaching assistant didn't get topless until the very end. Dismayed I say. April Flowers AKA Diana Espen showed up for the party but they didn't give her much to do. She had a short sex scene with Regina Russell but it was over before you know it.

The only saving grace for this one was Mia Zottoli. I love that Mediterranean look. Dark hair, dark skin. Not to mention the fact that her breasts are perfect. Hey, I just liked watching her walk around the college campus. That mummy knows how to strut.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 strutting Zottolis

"Cradle 2 the Grave" review

Cradle 2 the Grave (2003)

Directed by Andrzej Bartkowiak

Writing credits John O'Brien

Jet Li.... Su
DMX.... Fait
Anthony Anderson.... Tommy
Kelly Hu.... Sona
Tom Arnold.... Archie
Mark Dacascos.... Ling
Gabrielle Union.... Daria

Jet Li comes to town looking for some Black Diamonds. DMX is the thief who crosses with Li and then, (of course), joins forces with him to get the bad guys. They kidnap DMX's daughter. Lots of fighting, kicking and B-movie moments follow.

This was a pretty good action flick. DMX had as many fight scenes as Jet Li. Jet Li looked pretty bored. No one was giving him the slightest bit of a challenge. He had this "whatever" look on his face throughout the flick. But there were plenty of cool B-movie thrills. My favorite was Jet Li in the steel cage with all the street fighters. I was satisfied.

However I think the best scene was with Gabrielle Union stripping in the bad guy's office. I can safely say that if this acting thing doesn't work out for her, she could get a high paying job as a stripper. I'm not trying to be insulting. Well, it may be insulting but I mean it as a compliment. She had some great moves. Yes. The knee in the crotch. Classic. Only the best strippers go the extra mile to follow that up with a lick on the face. Gabrielle knew her stuff. Bravo! Encore!

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Unions

"Flesh for the Beast" review

Flesh for the Beast (2003)

Directed by Terry West

Writing credits Terry West

Jane Scarlett.... Erin Cooper
Sergio Jones.... John Stoker
Caroline Hoermann.... Pauline
Ruby Larocca.... Cassandra (as Ruby LaRocca)
Barbara Joyce.... Irene

I bought this DVD. You can tell that the makers of this movie had their heart in the right place. It starts with the title. "Flesh for the Beast". Wow. Already, visions of naked women are dancing in your head as they slither down to hang with the beast. Then you read the description: Female demons wait inside a haunted house...etc. The filmmakers knew all the right exploitation buttons to push. They pushed hard but the movie making part got away from them.

"Flesh for the Beast" has the flesh but the beast is snoozing. The sad part is that even though the flesh is abundant, it's not too appealing. The girls in this one were fair to partly cloudy. The fact that they were all pretty bad actresses didn't help either. They would have bad sex with their victims, put on a bad demon mask and then kill them badly. It was bad.

This is one of those flicks that you feel you should like a lot more than you do. It's got naked Succubis, a haunted bordello and lots of blood and guts. If you're a B-movie fiend like me, it's a heartbreaker. Dang it! Naked female demons are attacking dolts! This is tailor made for a guy like me! It's trying to please me so much! But I just can't get into it. It's just too lame.

Good intentions. Bad movie.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 hungry demon girls

"Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle" review

Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle (2003)

Directed by McG

Writing credits Ivan Goff

Cameron Diaz .... Natalie Cook
Drew Barrymore .... Dylan Sanders
Lucy Liu .... Alex Munday
Bernie Mac .... Jimmy Bosley
Crispin Glover .... Thin Man
Justin Theroux .... Seamus O'Grady
Robert Patrick .... Ray Carter
Demi Moore .... Madison Lee

You know, if loving "Charlie's Angel's: Full Throttle" is wrong, I don't want to be right! This movie is FUN. Hollywood had lost its way. The Angels brought it back. Thank the Lord. Do you like seeing beautiful women play dress up, tell cheesy jokes, and do impossible fighting stunts? Me too! I must see that scene in the Treasure Chest bar again. Who can turn the world on with their smiles? And their whips and leather and gyrating...

This movie is in love with 80's pop music and with other movies. The soundtrack would have to be a triple album to squeeze all the tunes in. Barrymore is the metal chick who falls in love easily. She's LIVING ON A PRAYER and doesn't care about her BAD REPUTATION. Diaz is the clumsy ditz who loves to dance to MC Hammer or whatever else is playing. OH MICKEY, YOU'RE SO FINE! Liu is the queen of stoicism who should always have a whip in her hand. This VENUS had me WALKING ON SUNSHINE because it's ANYWAY YOU WANT IT. Suffice to say, all the Angels are hot and look great in whatever wacky outfit they decide to throw on.

I lost count with the number of movie references. "MI-2" was spoofed on the movie ticket to the premiere. Barrymore's former bad boyfriend should have been called Max "Cady" O'Grady. I think I even caught a bit of "The Blues Brothers" when the Angel nuns hit the orphanage. "Come closer."

There's no real need to go into the details of the movie. It's got something to do with stolen computer chip rings and the Angels changing outfits a lot. A bunch of action set pieces are strung together by some brilliant clue gathering that would shame Batman. "This bird poop means something. It means it's time for a costume change! Surf's up!"

One last thing, the Angels better look homeward to Heaven and pray to God that they look as good as Demi Moore when they hit Angel pension plan age. Mmmmmm...More Moore!

SCORE: 3.5 out of 4 Angels

"Pleasurecraft" review

Pleasurecraft (1999)

Directed by Franklin A. Vallette
Writing credits Louise Dunkirk

Vincent Kessler.... Len
Brandy Davis.... Reva
Taimie Hannum.... Deena
Amber Newman.... Junet

A four man crew and their handy android are transporting a mysterious cargo through space. The captain has to keep the contents secret or else his crew will go wild. When an alien spaceship tries to destroy them for their cargo, the captain has to go check it out himself. Well what do you know? It consists of three hot women. That's some good cargo. The crew is supposed to bring the women to an ambassador as some sort of "brides to be" peace offering but the men, and their hot cargo, have other ideas.

"Pleasurecraft" is a typical Surrender cinema sex adventure. Lots of soft-core sex in a sci-fi setting. Typical. This one actually tried to have a little bit more sci-fi than sex. What's up with that? There is actually a drawn out space ship attack. "Their shields are too powerful!" and "Beam aboard a torpedo!" etc. It was exciting stuff. But not as exciting as the three-way between the hot women! Actually, that scene wasn't that great. "Pleasurecraft" was kind of ho-hum. The best scene had one of the alien chicks and a crew member rolling around near a river. Other than that, it wasn't too exciting. However I did like the short blonde leader of the pack. Brandy Davis is hot stuff. One scene had her posing for the captain in some sort of virtual reality chamber as a cheerleader and other male fantasies. That was nice of her. Alien women know how to please.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 alien Brandys

"Battlefield: Earth" review

Battlefield: Earth (2000)

Directed by Roger Christian

Writing credits Corey Mandell

John Travolta .... Terl
Barry Pepper .... Jonnie Goodboy Tyler
Forest Whitaker .... Ker

Leverage. Remember that word. That sums up "Battlefield: Earth". John Travolta says it countless times as he looks down with disgust over the humans and presumably the audience as well. Aliens attack Earth and Psychlo Travolta laughs his head off.

Besides the fact that the action is lame and the story is not interesting, there is one element that makes this movie worse than it should be. Without this one element, "Battlefield: Earth" would be just a normal, lame B sci-fi movie. That element is John Travolta's over the top bad acting. There is clearly an 800 pound gorilla that made this train wreck happen and that ape is named Travolta.

Normally I don't like to single out a person for a bad movie. I prefer to blame the movie and move on. But I can't imagine any sane director would let him overact this horrendously unless there was a gun to his head. Travolta is terrible in this movie. He laughs like an insane asylum inmate and keeps spouting out phrases about "Leverage!" "Must have leverage!" He is the reason the movie is in the wasteland it sits. The movie was doomed from the start. It had no hope.

SCORE: LANDFILL

"Play-mate of the Apes" review

Play-Mate of the Apes (2002)

Directed by John Bacchus

Writing credits John Bacchus

Misty Mundae.... Commander Gaylor
Darian Caine.... Uvula
Debbie Rochon.... Dr. Cornholeous
Anoushka.... Lt. Pushkintucushkin

I bought this DVD for two reasons. One, to see what all the fuss was about Misty Mundae. I've seen her advertised in many straight to video erotic movies and I had to see what she could bring to the party. Two, to see if Ape woman Debbie Rochon gets naked. I am sad to report that there is no Ape-human sex scene. In fact, I'm not even sure why they bothered with the Planet of the Apes angle at all. Why no Ape boobies? That would have been classic. But what is really interesting about this flick is Misty Mundae. Why is she being sold as a sex goddess? I had to find out.

First off, Misty Mundae is the whitest woman I have ever seen. She is ghost white. Almost transparent. She should think about getting some sun. When I look at her, the phrase "Sex bomb" is not what enters my mind. Let's cut to it. She ain't hot. Her hair is flat and dull. She has no breasts! NONE! Her skin is so white it glows in the dark. So why all the hubbub about Mundae?

Because Misty Mundae gets naked a lot and has sex with every woman she sees. OK. That's a good thing. Also, among the entire cast, she's the only one trying to act. I suspect the producers went to the local strip club and had a casting call for Horny Stripper 1, 2, 3, and 4 to fill out the rest of the cast. My favorite stripper/actress/softcore porn treat was the one named wonder Anoushka. She was the horniest of all the strippers. She ruled this planet.

So basically "Play-mate of the Apes" comes down to six or seven scenes of softcore sex mushed together with some story of humans dancing to prove their worth to the Apes. Seriously. I chuckled at a few spots. As a softcore romp, it's pretty good. Whenever you hear the music kick in, you'll know that nakedness is on the way. Why blast music over the top of every sex scene? Half the fun is listening to the women moan with pleasure.

In conclusion, I really don't know how Misty Mundae has carved out a piece of the erotic jungle for herself. Maybe I'm too much of a breast man to understand. But I have to give her credit for the amount of sex she has on the Planet of the Horny Strippers.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 play-mate Mundaes

"Hotel Exotica" review

Hotel Exotica (1998)

Directed by Marcy Ronen
Writing credits Dawn Pascual

Landon Hall.... Carly
Taylor St. Clair.... Rosa
Steve Curtis.... Zeke
Nikki Fritz.... Zeke's Lover

Ripped off again. The so called "Director's cut" version of "Hotel Exotica" is nothing of the sort unless the director really wanted to sell a tame R-rated version. I know this because I had caught the flick on cable many years ago and I can assure you that there's a lot more to the movie than this. One of the sex scenes I really wanted to see again was the one where Landon Hall's sister and Taylor St. Claire meet in the kitchen for a late night rendezvous. In the cable version, this scene rocked on for a good ten minutes. In the DVD I just saw, the scene ends after less than a minute! Taylor St. Claire sticks a piece of ice in the sister's mouth and that's it. That's it?! Wow! What a rip-off! Do not, under any circumstances, buy the "Director's cut" version of this film.

"Hotel Exotica" is about Landon Hall and her attempts to get her husband interested in her again. They end up at Hotel Exotica with the hopes that sparks will start flying. Her sister tags along and hopes to find something interesting there as well. In the version I saw, nothing interesting is happening at Hotel Exotica. Most of the sex scenes are brief and miss the point. A lot of them have the couples having sex…under the covers! What? That can't be right. Say it isn't so! Who in their right mind films a sex scene with naked bodies hiding under the sheets? "Hotel Exotica" is a complete dud. Don't waste your time.

One last thing, one of the reasons I bought this DVD was because I saw that Nikki Fritz was in it. When I saw the credit flash on the screen, "Featuring Nikki Fritz", I knew I was in trouble. Sure enough, Fritz is on the screen for about 20 seconds. It looked like a Fritz clip from some other movie was pasted onto this one. This Fritz deception elevates "Hotel Exotica" to shameless rip-off level. Avoid this hotel at all costs.

SCORE: LANDFILL

"Can't Hardly Wait" review

Can't Hardly Wait (1998)

Directed by Harry Elfont Deborah Kaplan
Writing credits Deborah Kaplan Harry Elfont

Jennifer Love Hewitt.... Amanda Beckett
Ethan Embry.... Preston Meyers
Charlie Korsmo.... William Lichter
Lauren Ambrose.... Denise Fleming
Peter Facinelli.... Mike Dexter
Seth Green.... Kenny Fisher
Jaime Pressly.... Beth, Girlfriend #1

My friend and I were shooting pool next door to the movie theater showing "Can't Hardly Wait". I had a movie pass at the time which let me get into movies for free. A teen comedy for free sounded good to me. So I told him I could shoot pool with him for awhile but then I had to leave at 9:30 to see the movie. So we started shooting pool and drinking pitchers of beer. I was winning and drinking, drinking and winning. By the middle of the fifth pitcher, I realized it was 9:20. "Gotta go dude." He steered me to the movie theater and I grabbed a ticket.

I found this movie to be quite hysterical. However, if I had seen it sober, I probably wouldn't have laughed as much. The teens are having a big party to celebrate graduation. Everybody has things they desperately need to say to each other before it's too late. They "Can't Hardly Wait". The scene that really had me going was when the nerd starts getting drunk and decides to sing Guns and Roses PARADISE CITY, (one of the greatest rock songs of all time). He's rocking out while drunk out of his mind, (just like me), and a girl in the front of the crowd flashes her breasts at him. He faints but then leaps right back up like the new found Rock God he is. I would recommend this movie just for that scene. The rest of the movie was a standard teen comedy mixed with some drama.

One last thought, keep an eye out for a young Jaime Pressly as one of the cool kids girlfriends. She has a great dancing scene with another girl. It'll be pretty hard to miss her unless you're completely drunk. Burp.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 for beer making it better. Certainly, we can all agree on beer.

"The Pack" review

The Pack (1977)

Directed by Robert Clouse
Writing credits Robert Clouse

Joe Don Baker.... Jerry
Hope Alexander-Willis.... Millie
Richard B. Shull.... Hardiman

This movie has a problem. Dogs, by themselves, are not scary. Sure if some weird serum gets injected into them or they are bitten by a rabid bat they can be ferocious. But these dogs look like they came out of a dog food commercial. There's one scene where the dogs are chasing after the humans in slow motion and all I could think of was that they were running for dinner time. "I want my kibbles and bits and bits and bits..."

So these dogs get abandoned on an island. A lot of vacationers ditch their dogs when they leave. The dogs huddle together and become THE PACK. They try to screw up Joe Don Baker's vacation but Baker doesn't take kindly to a bunch of mutts trying to take the bone out of his leg. It's on.

"The Pack" was pretty toothless. They had one dog who could make a scary face but that was it. He could pull his lips back and show his teeth but the other dogs just stood around with that vacant, happy dog look. They didn't inspire fear.

The ending is what takes it over the top. Humans and dogs reconciling to live in peace. "Shake boy. Good doggie." Blah.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 piles of dog chow

"Basic Instinct" review

Basic Instinct (1992)

Directed by Paul Verhoeven
Writing credits Joe Eszterhas

Michael Douglas.... Det. Nick Curran
Sharon Stone.... Catherine Tramell
George Dzundza.... Gus Moran
Jeanne Tripplehorn.... Dr. Beth Garner

Catherine Tramell, (Sharon Stone), is dangerously feminine. The cops send Detective Curran, (Michael Douglas), to smooth out her rough edges. A body is found all hacked up. Seems Tramell was seeing the corpse. They weren't in love, it was just for sex. Douglas's spider sense starts tingling. Sexually active woman means trouble. Digging more into her background, it turns out that she likes other women too. This will not do. Douglas is on the case.

Have you ever seen a movie that was more afraid of a woman's sexuality than this one? Douglas's partner screams and yells at him not to give in to the power of her vagina. Douglas calmly tells him, "I'm not afraid of her." In the interrogation room, Stone flashes the cops with the awesome power between her legs. Only Douglas has the composure to snap out of it and go on with the questions. Everyone else is humble and speechless before her.

So it is on Douglas's shoulders to fight the good fight and tame the hot, blonde, sexually active WOMAN. It is the battle of the sexes wrapped up in a sleazy, mainstream thriller. Guess who wins?

It is to the filmmaker's credit that "Basic Instinct" is so good. The suspenseful music is fantastic and the sex is hot. We can thank this movie for the countless B-erotic thrillers that have come after it. I'm just not sure whether the filmmakers like women or loathe them. They must fear what they don't understand. Douglas had to vanquish their fears and win one for the guys.

SCORE 4 out of 4 hot Stone flashes

"The Exhibitionist Files" review

The Exhibitionist Files (2002)

Directed by Tom Lazarus
Writing credits L.L. Thomaso

Nikita Cash.... Diane (as Nikita Kash)
Drake Dorado.... Mark
Flower.... Della (as Flower Edwards)
Catalina Larranaga.... Lisa

I saw this on cable the other day. Catalina Larranaga is the super hot doctor researching some exhibitionists. She's creating the Exhibitionist files. She talks to them, they talk into the camera, Catalina talks into the camera and basically everyone keeps talking and talking until I passed out cold. "The Exhibitionist Files" makes the same fatal mistake that "Married People: Single Sex" makes: Too much talking! They've think they've hit on some universal truth and want to hammer it to death. Yes, people like to have other people watch them have sex, be naked and generally act naughty. So skin flick performers are exhibitionists and the viewers are all voyeurs. OK. I'm a voyeur and you're an exhibitionist. Glad to meet you. Now can we please start exhibiting something interesting?

I think I counted a grand total of two sex scenes. Catalina has sex with a guy on a couch and some other hot chick gets it on in a parking lot. Other than that, it is just one lost soul after another confessing everything to Dr. Catalina. I finally went insane when they had one guy tell Catalina about how he likes to go to massage parlors and have the women look at him as he touches himself. People please! Stop! No more! I don't want to know! Keep it to yourself man!

The only good thing about this one was Catalina Larranaga. She's got that great Mediterranean look we all know and love: Long dark hair with dark skin, etc. She had some hot outfits on in this one. She wore a couple of tight fitting turtlenecks and some nice suits. Just the fact that I have to praise her wardrobe gives you an idea of the amount of nudity in this skin flick. Close this Exhibitionist file immediately.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 wasted sessions

"Contamination" review

Contamination (1980)

Directed by Luigi Cozzi
Writing credits Luigi Cozzi

Ian McCulloch.... Commander Ian Hubbard
Louise Marleau.... Colonel Stella Holmes

Football shaped alien eggs are discovered in NYC. If any of their yolk gets on you, your chest explodes. The case leads the authorities to a South American coffee company and two former astronauts to Mars. It's all a sinister plot to plant the eggs around the world so everyone can spontaneously combust.

Sounds good right? Well, it ain't. There are three good gore scenes. All three involve the effect of having someone's chest explode. Alien gook gets on you and your innards fly out. They built this entire movie around that one effect. It's all they had. I must praise them for that. It was cool.

But if that's all you got, why not show more of it? The rest of the movie is a yawner. I was hoping for a lot more chests to go boom. Instead we see the heroes go about their detective work and grind the movie to a halt. This movie needed a lot more alien egg action.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 exploding alien eggs

"Bikini Chain Gang" review

Bikini Chain Gang (2005)

Alexandre Boisvert
Beverly Lynne
Jay Richardson
Nicole Sheridan
Evan Stone

Beverly Lynne gets thrown into prison after being framed by her boss. The warden takes pity on her plight and lets her work on the chain gang. Apparently, at this prison, it’s a privilege to break rocks all day. Beverly and the rest of the Bikini chain gang make a break for it after prison guard Nicole Sheridan decides to take a sex break in the back of the prison van. This all leads to more sex around a broken-down car and an abandoned farmhouse in the not so exciting conclusion.

“Bikini Chain Gang” is an exceptionally cheap and lazy movie. It kind of pretends to be a B-movie then it sort of pretends to be a skin flick and then it ends. The acting is really half-ass in this one. Even Beverly Lynne, who can usually be counted on to be a fairly decent actress, sleepwalks her way through it. But you want to talk out-of-this-world bad acting? Nicole Sheridan gives an outrageously over the top impersonation of a prison guard in this one. And she looks like this!

Of course, “Bikini Chain Gang” is trying to be a comedy so it would be hard to lay all the blame on her if she was told to be as loud and obnoxious as possible. The whole move looks like it was shot in one take over a long weekend. They probably couldn’t afford to turn the cameras off and just told the cast to keep going: “Was that take good?” Did we film it?” “Yeah, but…” “Great! Moving on!”

I know what you’re thinking: Who gives a rat’s ass about the acting, or lack thereof, what about the sex scenes?! Well, they weren’t too bad. Sheridan has a pretty good sex scene in the prison van. She keeps her black boots on the whole time and I loved every second of it. Lynne has two sex scenes, one in the farmhouse and one on a desk while she’s handcuffed. Both scenes are with guys. The best sex scene was at the very beginning between two of the Bikini chain gang ladies in the prison locker room. Prison had unleashed hidden passions between the two jailbirds. Well, maybe the passions weren’t too hidden.

Overall, “Bikini Chain Gang” is pretty sloppy work but the sex scenes are worth a little something. Lynne is letting her hair grow out again and looks great working on the bikini chain gang. So it’s not all bad. It’s also got Nicole Sheridan dressed in leather holding a shotgun. That's definitely not bad at all.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 bikini chain gangs

"Cheerleader Massacre" review

Cheerleader Massacre (2003)

Directed by Jim Wynorski
Writing credits Lenny Juliano

Tamie Sheffield.... Ms. Hendricks
Charity Rahmer.... Parker Jameson
Erin Byron.... Angela Caruso
Lenny Juliano.... Buzzy (as Leonard Johnson)
April Flowers.... Tammy Rae (as Elizabeth Short)
Nikki Fritz.... Debbie

First, I'd like to salute the title and DVD cover for this movie. "Cheerleader Massacre". That's the kind of B-movie title that'll rope in the suckers. Ooops, I mean fans. The cover has three women, (in cheerleader outfits with pom-poms of course), looking terrified as a blue jeans wearing maniac is holding a phallic chainsaw between his legs. I see cheerleaders and I'm praying for a massacre. So far, so good.

Well, it didn't take too long for this one to derail and fly off the tracks. The girls never once wear any cheerleading outfits! Couldn't they at least give us that? No, that would have cost money. They couldn't afford a chainsaw either. They could barely afford blue jeans for the killer to wear. The massacre was weak, weak, weak. Nothing scary here. Or gory. Mighty poor slasher flick.

However, "Cheerleader Massacre" is not completely worthless. The women in this movie are a pleasant sight. I must nominate director Jim Wynorski for the Lifetime Achievement award for Most Gratuitous Shower scenes per movie. There is a shower scene about ten minutes into it with an Elisabeth Shue look alike and another hot "cheerleader". The adult coach, (Tamie Sheffield), has an ultra long shower which saves the movie. Her breasts needed a good scrubbing. There was a lot of ground to cover. So if cheap T&A is your bag, you'll get something nice out of this massacre.

One last thing, there is a fairly brief, but nice, sex scene near the end. I thought to myself: This girl knows her stuff. She has got some hot moves. Scanning the IMDb credits for her, I see her name was Diana Espin, AKA Elizabeth Short, AKA April Flowers. The IMDb tells me that she's been in over 50 porno movies. WOW! I had no idea. I will have to hunt down some more of her work. Bravo Ms. Espin/Short/Flowers!

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 Espins/Shorts/Flowers

"Dead and Rotting" review

Dead & Rotting (2002)

Directed by David P. Barton

Writing credits David P. Barton

Stephen O'Mahoney.... Hollis
Tom Hoover.... J.B.
Debbie Rochon.... Young Abi

I bought this video. The video box cover looked cheap and cheesy but I saw that Debbie Rochon was in it and decided to give it a whirl. Rochon is an angry witch. Some fools mess with her family and she wants revenge. So she decides to seduce the fools and get pregnant. Her ghoulish offspring will wreck havoc on the imbeciles. Much seducing and ghoul action follows.

"Dead and Rotting" is pretty bad. If Debbie Rochon wasn't in it, I would have shut the movie off at the midway mark. The first time we see her, she's topless in a bathtub. For the rest of the movie, she stays clothed even though she is regularly seducing men and having sex. This is shameful. When making a movie about a horny, vengeful witch, you should at least have the courtesy of showing one sex scene. Every "sex" scene in "Dead and Rotting" is post coitus. *Sigh* No more Rochon for us.

So if there's no Rochon action, what else is there? No surprise, there's nothing else. Ghouls bumble around and attack the guys. The gore is pathetic and the scares are non-existent. Only die hard Rochon fans need to see this one. Everyone else can avoid.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 for Rochon showing up among the rotting

"The Model Solution" review

The Model Solution (2002)

Directed by Edward Holzman

Sebastien Guy.... Jack (as Scott Duke)
Holly Hollywood.... Emma
Kim Yates.... Rebecca (as Kim Laurel)
Regina Russell.... Caroline
Kimber Lynn.... Sherry (as Kimberlee Castaic)
Katie Lohmann.... Kelsey (as Katie Lohman)
April Flowers.... Sophia (as Diana Espen)
Sasha Peralto.... Diane (as Sasha Rochelle)

A guy runs a modeling agency out of a huge white house in L.A. that I have seen featured in many, many skin flicks before. This massive house is infamous. I just saw "The Key to Sex" which used this house for numerous sex scenes. It's the ultimate skin flick set. Swimming pool, nice view from the deck, enough beds and couches around for everybody to have fun on, etc. I wonder whose house it is. It must be some producer's house. The skin flick business has been very good to whoever owns this monstrosity. What a great way to save money. Just keep cranking out scripts and film the whole thing at the Malibu pleasure fortress.

If you think about it, the skin flick business couldn't possibly exist anywhere else in the world. It has to be in Los Angeles so it can be near all of the beautiful women who are trying to be models, actresses etc. Every third house in Van Nuys or Chatsworth that has a swimming pool is probably filming some sort of sexual activity. The sex flick business makes more money than Hollywood and this massive, sprawling mansion in "Model Solution" is a glaring testament to that.

Anyway, forgetting about the house for a second, "Model Solution" is a fairly lame skin flick. It has a lot of familiar faces doing a lot of familiar things but it was all pretty ho hum. A guy is competing with an old girlfriend for a modeling contract. This leads to sex. In fact, any plot point that comes up leads to sex. It's amazing. No matter what happened, it always ended up leading to sex. I guess that's why I like these movies. You know what you're getting.

The problem is that no one seemed to be into it. Everyone seemed to be going through the motions as they spent a little quality time at the Malibu pad. You've got April Flowers, Sasha Rochelle, Regina Russell and a few others. No one really stands out although I did like Holly Hollywood as the homely, (not really), assistant. She only has one sex scene. It's not that good, a little slow and in the dark, but her presence has inspired me to find other, better Holly Hollywood movies. "Model Solution" can be skipped.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 Hollys in Hollywood

"Volcano" review

Volcano (1997)

Directed by Mick Jackson

Writing credits Jerome Armstrong

Tommy Lee Jones.... Mike Roark
Anne Heche.... Dr. Amy Barnes
Gaby Hoffmann.... Kelly Roark
Don Cheadle.... Emmit Reese

The most important thing to know about "Volcano" is that there is no Volcano. Lava bubbles up from the La Brea Tar Pits and sludges through L.A. So a more apt title would have been "Lava". Or perhaps "Lava Flow". Or how about "It's like Lava!". Where oh where did my Volcano go? Oh where, oh where can it be? It must be stuck in a different movie.

Anyway, "Volcano", (Lying title!), is a disaster flick. It's a very mainstream, cheese-o-rama, disaster flick. It's the kind of flick where people do noble things and your eyes are supposed to water up with emotion. Oh, they'll be watering up all right. You'll be laughing your head off so much that the tears will fall. One scene stands out: A guy tries to save the passengers on a subway train from the slowest moving lava in the world. So he jumps on board and starts taking people out. In his final act of selfless courage, he carries the last person out as he slowly melts into the lava! I don't know about you, but if lava was burning my legs to the bone, I think I'd be howling in agony. I sure wouldn't be able to keep a straight face like this guy, nor could I carry anything, let alone a person, to safety.

The whole movie is like that. It's about people caring about other people. A preposterous disaster will unite us at last! Sniff, sniff. A little girl at the end of the movie notices everybody covered in black soot and remarks that they all look the same. Can't you see the message? We're all the same! Humans must help other humans! Especially when Hollywood concocts an asinine disaster flick! Save me!

SCORE: 2 out of 4 cheesy disasters

"Sorority House Vampires from Hell" review

Sorority House Vampires from Hell (1998)

Directed by Geoffrey De Vallois Eugene James
Writing credits Geoffrey De Vallois Dennis Devine

J.J. Rodgers.... Sue Ann
Kathy Presgrave.... Buffy

This movie is awful. Beyond terrible. Nothing can save it from the fiery death it deserves. I was suckered into buying a ten pack of DVD's because of this movie. How could I, a mortal man, resist the call of a movie called "Sorority House Vampires from Hell"? I'm only human! I bought it as a gift for my cousin's birthday. We are now scared to watch the other nine movies. If I was a real man, I'd watch them all back to back until my soul is ripped from my body. We watched "Busty Cops" later that night so we bounced back a little bit.

In order to describe this nightmare, I'd have to think about it. That would mean my brain may explode. I had broken my toe a day before watching this. After viewing this atrocity, the pain in my head was actually greater than the pain in my toe. The movie starts off with a bunch of naked women dancing around to rock music. So far, so naked. Then the movie runs headfirst into complete incoherence. Some thin woman wants to suck some blood and there's a sorority and some other stuff and I had no idea what was going on.

This movie is seriously terrible. There are a couple of topless women but the movie is filmed so incompetently that it's hard to see their breasts. Only naked women could have saved this one.

I order this movie back to Hell! Take your ten pack of pain with you, demon spawn!

SCORE: LANDFILL

"Eyes of the Werewolf" review

Eyes of the Werewolf (1999)

Directed by Jeff Leroy Tim Sullivan

Writing credits Tim Sullivan

Mark Sawyer.... Rich Stevens
Stephanie Beaton.... Sondra Gard

A guy has to have emergency surgery because he scarred his eyes in a lab accident. Unfortunately for him, his doctor gets his organs from unwilling donors. This time, the doctor had a werewolf killed and took the beast's eyes for his patient. The werewolf curse is passed on to his patient via the eyes. Hence, "Eyes of the Werewolf". The werewolf goes around killing people as cheaply as possible with only a horny, large breasted nurse and a dwarf to comfort him. Guess which friend he spends the most time with?

I rented this movie because I have a manic need to see every werewolf movie ever made. This was one that slipped under the radar. I now see why it slipped under the radar. "Eyes of the Werewolf" is a very low budget wolf man flick. The werewolf likes to bite people in the neck and then chew on their entrails. It all sounds nice and gory but when you see it you'll know that the money didn't go to the special effects. They weren't that special. However, "Eyes of the Werewolf" is a straight forward monster flick even if it was made for $500. At least it didn't try to get too fancy. It couldn't afford to. Thank God they had some extra money to spend on the hot nurse.

"Eyes of the Werewolf" would pretty much be a forgettable flick if it were not for the presence of Stephanie Beaton. Beaton is the large breasted nurse who falls in love with the wolf man and must have sex with him right away. At least the filmmakers were smart enough to recognize their best asset and exploit it for all that its worth. Beaton has two long sex scenes, one in a hospital bed and another on a couch, that linger on her breasts for as long as possible. She also has another large breasted woman hit on her at the end but they never consummate their budding relationship. Now, if I was making this movie, I would have had the two of them in bed and then her werewolf lover would break down the door and attack in a jealous rage. That would have been great. Alas, it was not to be as the werewolf was more melancholy than enraged. That kind of sums up my feelings about "Eyes of the Werewolf". *Sigh*

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Beatons

"Slaves of the Realm" review

Slaves of the Realm (2003)

Directed by Lloyd A. Simandl
Writing credits Chris Hyde

Rena Mero.... Shira
Daniela Krhutova.... Briana (as Daniela Krhut)
Lucie Vondrácková.... Alana (as Lucie Vondracek)

I bought this video for three bucks. If there's one thing you can say about "Slaves of the Realm", it's that the title didn't lie. These girls are slaves and they are in a realm. They're slaves of the realm. That title described the movie perfectly. There are at least twenty minutes of slave-girl footage. The slaves are thrown in a silver mine and told to get busy. Many half naked women move rocks around. So if you like seeing hot women in loose white outfits slaving away in a mine, this is the movie for you.

As for me, I found "Slaves of the Realm" to be one big tease. The movie is halfway over before we finally get some naked breast scenes. The rest of the time the women are crawling through the mine and sweating up a storm. The large breasted priestess/warrior, (Rena Mero), does not get naked. Shameful I know. She goes to the evil princesses' castle to free the slaves. She's thrown in the mine as well. She's a slave of the realm too. Soon the slaves will revolt and some lame sword fights will commence.

"Slaves of the Realm" is truly a waste. Those slave-girl outfits stayed on way too long. Waaaaaaay too long. This one can be skipped.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 not loose enough white outfits

"Poison Ivy: The New Seduction" review

Poison Ivy: The New Seduction (1997)

Directed by Kurt Voss

Writing credits Karen Kelly

Jaime Pressly.... Violet
Megan Edwards.... Joy Greer
Michael Des Barres.... Ivan Greer

The most important thing to know about "Poison Ivy: The New Seduction" is that Jaime Pressly does get naked. I bought the unrated version of this movie with that hope in mind. My prayers were answered.

Jaime Pressly is a nuclear sex bomb. That voice. That body. That face. Seeing her leap out of a pool naked in slow motion... Sorry, my mind wandered. I'm back now. Suffice to say, she is raging hot in this movie. No man could resist her nakedness. I can't say I blame them.

So Jaime moves into her friend's house and wants to take over. Seduction, nakedness, sex and scheming go on. Jaime won't rest until she gets her way and moves in permanently. It was an OK sex thriller. If you like Jaime Pressly, you should definitely check it out.

One last thing, I also want to praise her friend Joy, (Megan Edwards). The good girls don't get enough attention. She was hot in her own spunky, straight A student kind of way.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 seductive Presslys

"Alabama Jones and the Busty Crusade" review

Alabama Jones and the Busty Crusade (2005)

Directed by Jim Wynorski

Aria Giovanni
J. Nichole Italiano-Zaza (as Nikki Nova)

Let me make one thing clear. Nikki Nova is hot. I mean, smoking hot. Her long legs, her flowing hair, her perfect breasts… I could drool on and on. I bought this DVD because I saw that she was in it and I wanted to watch her busty crusade. As hot as she is, I still don’t think I’ve ever seen a real Nikki Nova sex scene. Nova has at least three different scenes where she’s rolling around with women, (including super babe Aria Giovanni), in lush tropical settings. But Nova is a model with a capital M. Every scene she’s in, she’s posing. Whether she’s holding a knife, a bullwhip or a woman’s breast, she never stops posing. She is constantly looking into the camera and giving it the supermodel stare. She can never concentrate on her partner(s) long enough to have a decent sex scene. It’s always a quick kiss here or a brief lick there and then right back to striking a pose. Oh well. I guess I’ll just have to stare right back at her.

“Alabama Jones and the Busty Crusade” is the tale of three babes named Jones and their quest to take their tops off. Since they’re in a Jim Wynorski flick, it won’t take too long. There’s also some sort of gibberish about a sexually stimulating mango that may fall into the wrong hands but since that had nothing to do with naked breasts, I wasn’t too interested. I can assure you that the filmmakers weren’t either.

Well, any skin flick that starts off with two of the babes from “Call Girl Wives” has to be good on some level. The first sex scene had the two “Wives” going at it and then getting attacked by flaming skulls. My God, they’re great together. The call girl wives I mean, not the skulls. This was the best sex scene in the movie. It truly was the only all-girl sex scene in the entire flick. The other two sex scenes were pretty weak guy/girl scenes that exist only to be fast forwarded through.

The rest of the movie consists of Nova and friends rolling around naked in the grass or on the sand. Sometimes they even rub bug lotion all over each other. They’ll take any excuse to get a little more nudity into the movie. It’s hard to condemn a movie with this much naked Nova. Sure “Alabama Jones and the Busty Crusade” is a slapped together piece of nothing that was probably filmed over a long weekend in Hawaii. The cast was probably paid with a free beach vacation and all the pina coladas they could drink. But Nikki Nova is in it. And she’s naked! A lot! If that excites you, and I don’t see how it couldn’t, it’s worth a look.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 for Nikki, Nikki, Nikki

"Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason takes Manhattan" review

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)

Directed by Rob Hedden

Writing credits Rob Hedden

Todd Shaffer.... Jim Miller
Tiffany Paulsen.... Suzi Donaldson
Tim Mirkovich.... Young Jason (as Timothy Burr Mirkovich)
Kane Hodder.... Jason Voorhees

Jason hops aboard a pleasure cruise. A bunch of high school dullards are celebrating their graduation. Jason has got to crash this party. Soon the ship has taken enough damage and must heal its wounds in New York City. Jason wants to go check out the sights and grind up a few more teens along the way.

"Friday the 13th Part VIII" is easily the worst one in the series. What makes a good Jason movie versus a bad one? Three things: BLOOD, BLOOD and BLOOOOOOD! The blood spray was lacking in this one. Jason was a very tired mass murderer. He looked like he'd rather hang by the pool than have to kill these dang teens. Work, work, work. Also, this entry promises you Manhattan but most of the movie is spent running around the ship. NYC only figures into the last twenty minutes or so. The ending in the sewer is also completely ridiculous.

In a nutshell, it stinks.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 cruising Jasons

"Emmanuelle vs Dracula" review

Emmanuelle vs. Dracula (2004)

Directed by KLS

Writing credits Rafael Glenn

Natasja Vermeer .... Emmanuelle
Beverly Lynne .... Mary
Kelsey .... Susan
Mollie Green .... Lucy

I saw this on cable the other night. Vampires invade a party. Emmanuelle gets suspicious. Since she is worldlier than the other girls, she knows what these undead studs are up to. Why, they want to have sex with the women! Shocking! After the girls have been with the vamps, they turn into vampire women. You'll know they're vampires by the amount of lipstick and eyeliner they use. It has to be heavy if you want to be a vampire babe. Emmanuelle must make a desperate, last ditch attempt to save her friends and the movie by finally having sex with someone. It's too late Emmanuelle.

"Emmanuelle vs. Dracula". That is a powerful B-movie title. It had a lot to live up to. It failed miserably. Here's another attempt to be cleverer than the movie needs to be. All of the sex scenes are edited in a blender. The camera can't stay still for five seconds. Although I've probably seen Beverly Lynne have more sex than I need to, it would have been nice if the camera would have stopped moving for a second and concentrate on her. The star of the show, Emmanuelle, doesn't even have sex until the last ten minutes! This is Emmanuelle? What the heck is she waiting for? The credits to start rolling? The worst part is her sex scene wasn't even that good.

Ahh, whatever. Another late night disaster. Skip this one. There are better Emmanuelle movie out there to be seen. A lot better.

SCORE: LANDFILL

"Wolfhound" review

Wolfhound (2002)

Directed by Donovan Kelly

Writing credits Scott Bradfield

Jennifer Courtney .... Stella Kennedy
Julie Cialini .... Siobahn
Regina Russell .... Fantasy Woman
Julie K. Smith .... Fantasy Woman

I bought the unrated DVD. I saw that Julie Smith was credited in the cast as "Fantasy Woman". That sounded about right. She shows up near the end in a fantasy three-way with the main character and Regina Russell. Russell and Smith looked like they flew straight off the set of "Bad Bizness" to help add some life to "Wolfhound". They must have taken the Wolfhound Express. They were both sporting the exact same hairstyles from their previous intimate rendezvous. This sex scene was excellent. Another Julie Smith triumph. It was also the only thing that stopped me from throwing this DVD into the garbage can where it belongs.

Wow. Talk about shamelessly cheap. "Wolfhound" is an out of control rip-off. The filmmakers should kiss the ground Smith walks on for saving their movie from complete destruction. Based on the DVD cover, you would expect "Wolfhound" to be some sort of werewolf flick. The cover has a hot blonde with her head tilted back transforming into a wolf creature. The tagline is, "Beware the Beast within". But alas, the joke is on us. She is actually turning into a wolfhound. A wolfhound is: "Any of various large dogs, such as the Irish wolfhound or the borzoi, trained to hunt wolves or other large game." Yes, you read that right. She turns into a big, scruffy, mangy dog.

So this family moves to Ireland. There are lots of wolfhounds around. The main character keeps seeing one hound and wants her bad. This particular Wolfhound turns into a hot naked supermodel that wants a lot of sex. Isn't that always the way? Soon his hound dog sex will drive a wedge between him and his wife. This all leads to a very unexciting conclusion.

"Wolfhound" stinks. Even with a village full of shape shifting wolfhounds, they still couldn't manage to pull off one exciting death or action scene. Unless you'll watch Julie Smith in anything, let this hound go.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 bored hounds

"Vampirella" review

Vampirella (1996)

Directed by Jim Wynorski
Writing credits Gary Gerani

Talisa Soto.... Vampirella
Roger Daltrey.... Vlad/Jamie Blood
Richard Joseph Paul.... Adam Van Helsing
Brian Bloom.... Demos
Corinna Harney.... Sallah

There is one big hurdle you must get over in order to enjoy this flick. You must come to grips with the harsh reality that Vampirella, (Talisa Soto), does not get naked. No space vampire breasts. Looking at Soto on the back cover dressed in a sexy red outfit and seeing the name Jim Wynorski as director, I felt it was reasonable to expect massive amounts of unnecessary T&A. My hopes were dashed as Vampirella was pure and the clothes stayed on. Dang.

"Vampirella" is an unashamed B-movie. Space vampires, government hit squads, rock star vampires and lots of cheap effects. I was mildly entertained by it. It's certainly not a good movie. Oh Lord no. But for a low budget space vampire flick, it was fair. Just don't expect to be scared or see a naked Vampirella.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 inexplicably clothed Vampirellas

"Alien Terminator" review

Alien Terminator (1996)

Directed by Dave Payne

Writing credits Duke Lorr Dave Payne

Maria Ford.... McKay
Rodger Halston.... Dean Taylor
Emile Levisetti.... Pete
Lisa Boyle.... Rachel (as Cassandra Leigh)

"Alien Terminator" is another alien running amok in a lab movie. It comes from a long line of shameless "Alien" rip-offs. Notice how the two words in the title try to get you to remember two superior action flicks and hopefully plant seeds of hope in your brain that this movie can be just as good. "Hey, I've seen "Alien" and "Terminator" and I liked those movies. Why, I'm sure to like this one twice as much!" It's yet another cleverly devious way for B-movie filmmakers to rope you into seeing their cheap knock-off.

Cheap is certainly the word to describe "Alien Terminator". Four guys and two babes, (Lisa Boyle and Maria Ford), are in a lab underground. The mad scientist starts experimenting on a mouse and turns him into an Alien Terminator. The rest of the movie has the cast running away from the beast through many dark hallways.

"Alien Terminator" is a movie I have seen at least a dozen times before. It's a classic B-movie setup. You keep the cast in one location; there are lots of scenes of them walking down hallways looking scared, the monster pops his head in every 10-15 minutes to make sure you're still awake, etc. But it's all pretty dull and uneventful. The monster scenes are quick and hard to make out. There's no payoff scene since they couldn't afford to shoot a convincing monster attack or any bloody death scenes.

Overall, "Alien Terminator" is not worth watching. However, praise must be given to Lisa Boyle who manages to save the viewing experience from complete destruction by going topless twice. The first time she's having sex with her boyfriend and the second time she's taking a shower. These scenes were great. The rest was average.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 Boyles

"Final Examination" review

Final Examination (2003)

Directed by Fred Olen Ray

Writing credits Sean O'Bannon

Robert Donovan.... Professor Andrews
Amy Lindsay.... Kristen Neal
Jay Richardson.... Hugh Janus
Debbie Rochon.... Taylor Cameron
Kari Wuhrer.... Julie Seska

So a bunch of sorority girls head to Hawaii for a reunion. There is a killer hunting them down. It all sounds good doesn't it? So why is this flick so dull and monotonous? Perhaps it's because they didn't have any idea as to what kind of movie they wanted to make. "Final Examination" starts off with a prolonged sex sequence in a hot tub. OK. So. It's a softcore flick. Works for me! Then the killer strikes and its back to slasher movie land. Softcore sex and slashers? Great! My kind of movie. Then Kari Wuhrer shows up as a cop and ruins the movie as "Final Examination" segues into a tedious cop movie. Kari and her partner hunt for clues as the viewer yawns and rewinds the movie to see that hot tub sex scene again.

The one good thing about this one is the abundant nudity. The sorority chicks like to get it on. Plenty of sorority girl's bras fly off. So that's good. Debbie Rochon shows up near the end and lets the Rochons come out to play. So that's real good. The Rochons save the movie from total destruction. Well, at least for me it did.

SCORE 2 out of 4 for Debbie and the Rochons

"Bloody Tease" review

Bloody Tease (2004)

Directed by Brad Sykes
Writing credits Eric Spudic

Elina Madison.... Treasure
Allison Beal.... Monique
Monika Wild.... Serena

"Bloody Tease" is a complete waste of time. There's just something about vampire strippers who don't strip that rubs me the wrong way. Three guys head to a strip club and run into vampire strippers. That's pretty much all there is to "Bloody Tease". The rest of the movie consists of partying down scenes as the guys try to persuade the strippers to finally take off some clothes back at their pad.

This movie is obscenely pointless. There's nothing here. I think the movie was thrown together with the idea that they'll film the guys making out with some hot women and somehow build a movie around that. All of the stripping scenes have absolutely no stripping in them! Not one single item of clothing falls off of any of the strippers! I found it hard to believe that the guys were having a great time when the women were half asleep and fully clothed. If I was at that strip club, I would have demanded my money back. In fact, I feel like demanding my money back right now.

Two of the vampire strippers finally get naked back at the swinging college pad but it's too late to save "Bloody Tease". If you're going to promise sleaze, deliver sleaze. "Bloody Tease" is certainly a tease. It promises you a good time with some hot vamps but gives you nothing but bad acting, a meaningless plot, mediocre gore effects and various other things that have nothing to do with a female vampire taking her clothes off.

SCORE: LANDFILL

"High Tension" review

High tension (2003)

Directed by Alexandre Aja
Writing credits Alexandre Aja Grégory Levasseur

Cécile De France.... Marie
Maïwenn Le Besco.... Alexia (as Maïwenn)
Philippe Nahon.... The Killer

Two girls head out to the family house in the countryside to study. What could possibly go wrong? Trouble lands at their door when a big man with a baseball cap shows up and starts to slaughter everyone. Love and friendship will be tested as the short haired girl will not let anything or anyone stand between her and her friend.

"Haute Tension" starts off as an excellent slasher/suspense flick. It has some quality gore. The dad gets to know a dresser drawer better and the mom gets ventilated. Marie witnesses all of the slaughter. We see everything through her eyes. When her friend is kidnapped, Marie goes into hot pursuit. She is ready to fight to the death. All of these scenes were excellent.

Unfortunately, "High Tension" has the dreaded "Twist Ending". Sometimes they work but this time it doesn't. The problem was that the movie, up until the last fifteen minutes, was so good! I was completely immersed with these two ladies fight for their lives. Uncompromising brutality and gore is something that has been missing from horror flicks for awhile. It's so great to run into a real horror flick again. But man that ending. It's a showoff move that ALMOST negates the rest of the movie. The good news is that the last fifteen minutes are pretty bloody so I can forgive it. "High Tension" is a good horror movie. Just be prepared to be twisted.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 twisted girls