"The Living Dead Girl" review

The Living Dead Girl (1982)

Directed by Jean Rollin
Writing credits Jacques Ralf Jean Rollin

Marina Pierro....Helene
Françoise Blanchard.... Catherine Valmont
Mike Marshall....Greg
Carina Barone.... Barbara Simon

Toxic waste revives a blonde girl from the dead. She becomes "The Living Dead Girl". It also gives her razor sharp fingernails of death. By merely poking someone with her nuclear nails, she can puncture throats with blood gushing efficiency. Unlike other cinematic zombies, she has perfect skin and is naked a lot. If the Living Dead Girl is not naked, she is in her nightgown. Either way, she's the best looking zombie I've seen.

Her childhood friend Helene shows up. They declare their love for each other. Helene can't figure out why her childhood friend is so stand-offish. Then it hits her, her friend wants blood! Helene is a good friend and supplies victims to The Living Dead Girl. Blood, guts and lots of bleeding throats follow.

On the one hand, I appreciated the heavy duty exploitation elements in the movie. Naked woman, blood soaked naked woman, lots of throats gushing blood and other scenes of mayhem. But the Living Dead Girl is so unhappy in her situation that it tends to drag the movie into zombie melodrama land. Not a happy place to be. Once the Living Dead Girl learns to speak again, she won't shut up! Whining and complaining about how she should be dead, she doesn't want to live anymore, blah blah blah. Here you have your best friend getting you all the blood you can chug and all zombie girl can do is bellyache. Fortunately, the blood and guts scenes were evenly spread out with the complaining zombie scenes.

SCORE 2.5 out of 4 zombie girls with fingernails of death

"Dark Universe" review

Dark Universe (1993)

Directed by Steve Latshaw

Writing credits Patrick Moran

Joe Estevez.... Rod Kendrick
Blake Pickett.... Kim Masters
Laurie Sherman.... Judy Lawson (as Cherie Scott)

A spaceship crashes in Florida. Apparently the astronaut on board went through a bad batch of the "Dark Universe" and is now a giant alien slug head. A bunch of people head out into the swamp to check it out. Alien kills some of them. Some other stuff happens.

This was a typically lame B sci-fi movie. The only thing that mildly amused me was near the end:

*SPOILER ON ENDING*

So a woman is hanging out in a grass hut (?) and the alien pops his head in through the wall. We get to watch his alien head squirm around for a good thirty seconds. No other parts of the alien are visible. Just his head. Was he stuck? If he could bash his head in, why couldn't he just worm the rest of his slug body in? I'm guessing he couldn't because there was nothing else to him but his head. The rest of the alien body would have been too expensive to build. While he's stuck, the woman comes up with a plan to kill him using a previously unknown ally prevalent in the swamp environment: Marsh gas. She uses a flare gun to ignite the marsh gas to kill the beast. If marsh gas is flammable, why didn't she go up in flames too? Was it just flammable around the alien's slug head? Was his head dipped in gasoline? Am I thinking about it too much?

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 slug heads

"Witchbabe: Erotic Witch Project 3" review

Witchbabe: Erotic Witch Project 3 (2001)

Directed by Terry West
Writing credits Terry West

Laurie Wallace.... Martha Rudolf
Misty Mundae.... Amy
Darian Caine.... Karen
Debbie Rochon.... Nans
Paige Richards.... The Erotic Witch
Barbara Joyce.... Miss Chaste
Ruby Larocca.... Lucy
Julian Wells

I bought this video for two bucks. You know, with some of the Seduction flicks, you could sometimes mistake their movies for a regular B-flick with extra helpings of sex. "Spiderbabe" is a good example. I can assure you that there's no chance of mistaking "Witchbabe" for what it is. This, my friend, is a softcore lesbian porno. For two bucks, it was a good deal.

"Witchbabe" is about women having softcore sex with each other. Anyone who sees the plot of this movie differently was not paying attention. The mayor's blonde wife gets turned on by the black haired Erotic Witch. And there you have it. There's plenty of lesbian sex to keep the viewer happy and some other dialogue scenes that were filmed so that they could be fast forwarded through. "Witchbabe" is good stuff. If you're into girls on film, you'll like it.

Two final thoughts. First, Debbie Rochon is in this one but she doesn't do much. She's pictured on the back of the video box with a handgun. There is no gun in "Witchbabe". There's barely any Rochon. The good news is that she does take her top off at the end. She then proceeds to kind of dance around with Darian Caine but they don't have sex. The Erotic Witch's horny spell was working pretty well on Caine. Did Rochon drink an anti-sex potion to ward off horny spirits? The spell was broken.

Second, I was quite amused at the Julian Wells sex scene. It seemed to be inserted totally at random. Laurie Wallace sits down on a couch with Wells and tells her that she wants her. We have no idea where Wells's house is or how Wallace got there. All we know is that there are two horny blondes on a couch. After the scene is over, Wells disappears from the movie. Wells really likes to squirm around and make all kinds of sounds when she's happy. Man, that couch looked really comfortable.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 witchy women

"Miners Massacre" review

Miners Massacre (2003)

Directed by John Carl Buechler
Writing credits Antonio Olivas

Karen Black.... Aunt Nelly
John Phillip Law.... Sheriff Murphy
Richard Lynch.... Old Man Prichard
Brad H. Arden.... Forty-Niner
Elina Madison.... Rox Ann

Am I the only one dismayed at the lack of nudity in this otherwise fine film? "Miner's Massacre" has three to five hot babes, depending on your definition of hot. The only one who shows a bit of nudity is Elina Madison. This made me happy because I achieved my objective. I rented "Miner's Massacre" to see Elina Madison in action. Mission accomplished.

So a bunch of teens decide to go to a gold mine. Unfortunately for them, there is a zombie miner there who wants the gold all for himself. The miner is an interesting monster. He has gold lust like the Leprechaun and has the same tailor as the Creeper. He wields his pick axe and takes out anyone that comes between him and his nuggets.

I enjoyed "Miner's Massacre". It was a simple and straight forward slasher flick. Annoying teens show up, they should die for being alive and the miner is happy to accommodate them. Elina had the best death of all. The miner had his eyes on her and launched a heat-seeking shovel toward her neck. Oh yeah. That's the good stuff.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Elinas in action

"Scream Queen Hot Tub Party" review

Scream Queen Hot Tub Party (1991)

Directed by Fred Olen Ray Jim Wynorski
Writing credits Fred Olen Ray Jim Wynorski

Brinke Stevens.... Herself
Monique Gabrielle.... Herself
Kelli Maroney.... Herself
Michelle Bauer.... Herself
Roxanne Kernohan.... Herself

I bought this DVD as a birthday present for my cousin. We both agreed it was a fine film. Actually, I don't think "film" is the right word to use for this one. "Scream Queen Hot Tub Party" is a completely shameless parade of topless scream queens. It is exploitation at its finest. It's worth every penny. Do you like watching topless women hang out in a hot tub? Of course you do! You need to see this one.

Now, if you're expecting some sort of movie with your breasts, you'll be sorely disappointed. The scream queens head to a house with a hot tub. They peel off their pesky clothes and start talking about the finer points of being a scream queen. Each one gets a turn to yak about scream queeness. Brinke Stevens talks about how to take a B-movie shower and demonstrates it for us as well. Michelle Bauer gets frisky with a chainsaw as she waxes poetic about "Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers". The other girls get a chance to spin some topless stories as well. So if you want breasts, breasts and more breasts, check this one out and rejoice.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 hot tubs

"G-String Vampire" review

G String Vampire (2005)

Directed by Sean Thornton

Chante Bey....Countess Dracula
Barbi Leigh.... Seer

Once again I saw a lesbian vampire movie on the shelf and was powerless to resist. "G-String Vampire". The tagline is "Hot Strippin - Neck Rippin - Bad Girls of the Night!" If there's one thing I like about B-movies, it's the hard sell. They sold me.

"G-String Vampire" is certainly not a good movie. Was there any doubt? The only question is whether or not this flick is worth watching. Well, that depends. How low are your standards? My standards are pretty much in the gutter. But even by my standards, this was pretty pathetic.

Don't even dream that this is a "movie". There's some malarkey on the back of the DVD about a secret society of vampire hunters but it's all a lie. "G-String Vampire" is all about slow motion lesbian sex. Technically there's nothing wrong with that. Unfortunately most of the sex scenes are set in a strip club and it's hard to make out what's going on under bright red strobe lights. The only sex scene worth anything is the one in the bathroom between the hottest accountant I ever saw and the blonde "Seer".

On the plus side, there is a ton of nudity in "G-String Vampire". But this is the kind of softcore flick that makes you wish you had just gone ahead and gotten a proper porno. By the third lame sex scene, I was dreaming of a scene from a Christy Canyon flick. You know the one. The really good one. Yeah. Thinking about it right now. Anything to help take my mind off of "G-String Vampire".

SCORE: LANDFILL

"Hellbound: Hellraiser II" review

Hellbound: Hellraiser II (1988)

Directed by Tony Randel
Writing credits Clive Barker Peter Atkins

Clare Higgins.... Julia Cotton
Ashley Laurence.... Kirsty Cotton
Kenneth Cranham.... Dr. Philip Channard/Channard Cenobite
Imogen Boorman.... Tiffany
Sean Chapman.... Frank Cotton

Kirsty is in the nuthouse. No one believes her tale of puzzle boxes and Cenobites. She finds a sympathetic ear from her doctor. He believes her and can't wait to take the fast train to Hell. He gets the puzzle box open, Cenobites arrive and Kirsty spends the second half of the movie wandering through Hell with mad doctors, evil demon stepmothers and other malicious creatures.

You don't have to believe in Hell to enjoy this movie, but it would help. This is the nastiest, goriest, meanest entry in the "Hellraiser" series. Depravity abounds. This one was my favorite. I love seeing movies try to imagine what Hell is really like. Having a belief in the afterlife would definitely make the flick scarier. If you don't believe in Hell at all, I can see how most of the movie would look a little silly. The Hell effects are not that great. They worked well on me though.

One enduring mystery of the "Hellraiser" series is why these morons keep solving the puzzle box. They keep saying they want to know, they have to know... Hasn't all their research of the box told them of the tremendous suffering they're going to have to go through? I guess I just don't understand the whole S&M thing. Being a demon from Hell can't be that great. Besides, if there is a Hell, why go there early? All good/bad things to those who wait. Cenobites were just impatient, Hell-hungry freaks.

SCORE: 4 out of 4 Hell-hungry freaks

"Eternal Blood" review

Eternal Blood (2002)

Directed by Jorge Olguín

Writing credits Carolina García Jorge Olguín

Juan Pablo Ogalde.... M
Blanca Lewin.... Carmila
Patricia López.... Elizabeth

I waited 100 minutes for this movie to start and it never did. There should be a flashing warning sign on the front of the video box: WARNING: THIS IS NOT A HORROR MOVIE! Since there isn't I'll warn you now: THIS IS NOT A HORROR MOVIE! Oh sure, there are two bad beasties on the cover looking all blood thirsty. And yes, there is a girl with two long fingers of death giving you the evil eye. It's all a mirage. She's actually giving you her middle finger. It's all smoke and mirrors. "Eternal Blood" is a fraudulent, cold blooded LIE. This movie is not a movie. It is 100 minutes of nothing. If it wasn't a rental, I would have bashed it into little bitty pieces and thrown it out my car window.

The worst part is that this movie had potential. There were some interesting scenes at the beginning which seemed to be building up to something. The Goth kids are playing their vampire role-playing game and priests are wielding shotguns. Anything that was remotely interesting in this movie was all in someone's imagination. The imagination of drug taking Goth losers. I deliberately avoided renting a similar straight to video movie called "Vampire Clan" because I knew the "twist" to the story. I thought this movie was going to dip over into the horror genre. Nope. It's a total lie. Waste of time, energy and space.

Screw this movie and all it stands for.

SCORE: LANDFILL

"Exterminator City" review

Exterminator City (2005)

Directed by Clive Cohen
Writing credits Clive Cohen

Julie Strain
Brinke Stevens
Cathy Barry
Amy Lynn Best
Zenova Braeden
Lana Cox
Syn DeVil
Fembomb
Sara Jay
Jill Kelly

"Exterminator City" must be a joke. I can't believe anybody would make this and think it should be taken even remotely seriously. There are two separate movies going on here. The real "Exterminator City" is a robot puppet show. A robot has gone insane and has to kill all of the large breasted women he can find. This leads to the second "Exterminator City" movie. There are many scenes of topless women lounging around their apartment and then getting killed by the robot. Here's the joke: The two movies never meet! The topless chicks never see a robot puppet and the puppets don't see the ladies! Well, the ladies pretend to see a deranged robot attacking them but they never do. It all leads to a lot of unconvincing screaming and bad acting as they giggle and smile their way through their death scenes.

If there's one thing you can say about "Exterminator City", it's that it's consistent. Every couple of scenes repeat themselves in an endless loop of robots talking, topless woman hanging out, insane robot enters room and then kills woman. "Exterminator City" feels like it was made to show off the puppets and the naked women scenes were tacked on later. You have to give the movie some credit for dragging all of these women into their puppet show. Julie Strain shows up as does Brinke Stevens. Strain goes topless but Stevens does not. I can't believe the robot would even bother killing a clothed woman. That's out of character for him. The last robot victim is a huge breasted mistress with a whip. I didn't catch her name but she was probably the right sized lady to end this flick.

"Exterminator City" is a uniquely terrible movie. It's cheap and ridiculous but it holds fast to its conviction that puppets and topless women go well together. After the fifth or sixth naked woman got killed, I found myself drifting in and out of this movie. However, it may be worth checking out just to see how many naked women they can stuff into one crazed robot movie.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 horny killer robots

"The Key to Sex" review

The Key to Sex (1998)

Directed by John Quinn
Writing credits Christopher Byrne

Maria Ford.... Christy
Jeannie Millar.... Carrie
Christian Malmin.... Michael
Monique Parent.... Tina
Eric Acsell.... Matt
Jacqueline Lovell.... Ring

A guy gets the key to his boss's house. It's "The Key to Sex". He's told not to let anyone else know where the key is. The key opens the front door to a huge Malibu monstrosity that drives any woman who steps inside mad with desire. I know I've seen this house in other skin flicks. Was it in "Model Lust"? Not sure. One thing is for sure, the key to sex is to bring the hot women to Malibu and party down in this theme park masquerading as a house.

"The Key to Sex" is a fine, fine skin flick. I was very pleased. Many hot women show up in this one. You've got Monique Parent, Jacqueline Lovell, Jeannie Millar and Maria Ford. Monique Parent is the horny distributor who wants to get cozy with some of the film execs. She has two sex scenes, one in the Malibu fun house and another in an office. She also has a long scene where she's dressed as a French maid and plays around with a guy. The French maid thing doesn't work for me but the sex scenes were all right. Lovell shows up as a stripper. She has a couple of scenes where she expounds on how to strip and a couple of other scenes where she has sex after stripping. All of the Lovell scenes were good. Millar is the large breasted secretary who only has one sex scene. I know, I know. I'm just as sad as you.

But the real selling point with this one is Maria Ford. She has three sex scenes and they're all great! I've only seen Ford in normal, run of the mill B-movies. This was the first time I've seen her in a sex flick. My God man. She is hot, hot, hot! Her scene by the pool with her female friend was awesome. She has a tongue like Gene Simmons. That thing can move. Overall, "The Key to Sex" gives you what you want. It's worth a look. If you're a Maria Ford fan, it's worth a couple of looks.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 because Maria Ford is the key

"The Hunted" review

The Hunted (2003)

Directed by William Friedkin
Writing credits David Griffiths

Tommy Lee Jones.... L.T. Bonham
Benicio Del Toro.... Aaron Hallam
Connie Nielsen.... Abby Durrell

This is a macho manly movie. I could feel the testosterone shooting straight into my brain. After seeing this I wanted to run naked into the woods and set booby traps for my hated prey. Life is for hunting and killing. Come closer said the spider to the fly...

So Tommy Lee Jones hunts Benicio Del Toro. That's the movie. If you have a love for watching one man hunt another man, you should run out right now, put on your army camouflage shirt and see this movie. Jones takes his work seriously. Whether it's tracking or using a knife, he's a man of few words. Jones displays his tracking skills through most of the movie. A broken branch here, a footprint there is all he needs to track you through anything.

The art of fighting and killing with a knife is also shown in loving fashion. When they went over the six cuts to make on the human body, I almost orgasmed with the movie. The knife fight at the end by the raging waterfall took it over the top. I was drooling on myself. Yes! YES!! More knife fights! More tracking! Which artery do I cut for the most bleeding satisfaction?! MORE!!

SCORE: 3 out of 4 for orgasmic love of knives, tracking and waterfalls

"Man-Thing" review

Man-Thing (2005)

Directed by Brett Leonard

Writing credits Hans Rodionoff

Matthew Le Nevez.... Sheriff Kyle Williams
Rachael Taylor.... Teri Elizabeth Richards
Jack Thompson.... Frederic Schist

Even though I'm a big comic book fan, I never had the urge to read any "Man-Thing" comics. I was more into DC's "Swamp Thing". So I didn't know much about the Man-Thing before seeing this movie. The only thing I remember about him was his tag line: "Fear burns at the Man-Thing's touch." I found it a little odd that I didn't see any fear burning in this movie. In fact, I don't know why they even bothered using the name Man-Thing at all. "Man-Thing" is as generic as it gets. If you're looking for a run of the mill, avenging swamp monster movie, here's another one to throw onto the pile.

There's a new sheriff in town. He's here to clean up the swamp. There are evil corporate types drilling holes in the muck. This upsets the Man-Thing. Body after body disappears while the sheriff runs around looking confused. Could there be a swamp guardian doing all the killing or is it just the crazy Indian who lives in the swamp? Hmmmm…Tree branches coming out of people's mouths, bodies being ripped apart…I'd vote for the swamp monster.

"Man-Thing" is not a bad B-flick. It's got some blood, some guts, a swamp monster and a naked breast scene in the first ten minutes. So it's got a few good things going for it. But it's nothing to get too terribly excited about. They hold off on showing the Man-Thing until the last twenty minutes. The rest of the movie has the cast wondering and wandering around the swamp looking for some answers. If you'll watch anything that has a monster in a swamp, "Man-Thing" will serve you well. As for me, I still don't get the Man-Thing's appeal. There's got to be more to him than just shoving tree roots down people's throats. Or maybe there isn't and that's his appeal.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 angry Man-Things

"Nightwatch" review

Nightwatch (2004)

Directed by Timur Bekmambetov
Writing credits Laeta Kalogridis

Konstantin Khabensky.... Anton Gorodetsky
Vladimir Menshov.... Gesser
Valeri Zolotukhin.... Vampire, Kostya's father
Mariya Poroshina.... Svetlana
Galina Tyunina.... Olga, sorceress (owl)

I caught “Nightwatch” at the Nuart theater in Santa Monica. I’ve been meaning to check out the theater and a Russian sci-fi vampire flick sounded like just the right movie. The Nuart is a cool little theater by the 405. I had to park a couple of blocks away as I couldn’t find any parking to save my life. If you want to see a movie there, you’re going to have to work for it.

If you read anything about “Nightwatch”, (like this review), one of the first things that’ll be shoved down your throat is that it’s the most profitable Russian movie ever made. Not only that, but it made more money in Russia than the Lord of the Rings movies! Wow! Millions of Russians paid to see this movie! They chose this over another Hollywood blockbuster! Shocking!

Actually, it isn’t. This is what is known as a hustle. Oh, I believe that it’s the most profitable movie ever made in Russia. But did anyone stop to think that maybe the reason they paid to see this was because they were so proud that it was a Russian made, Hollywood-type movie and not because it was actually as cool as you think? Hey, if I was Russian, I’d be proud too that somebody from my country could make a decent sci-fi flick. It would almost be a patriotic move just to go out and support it.

But I’m not Russian. I’m just a guy looking for another good movie to watch. “Nightwatch” has some undeniably cool moments but it’s not as bad-ass as it wants you to believe, (“Millions of Russians loved it! You will too!”). Yeah whatever.

“Nightwatch” is about the Others. The Others are among us. They are supernatural beings, (shape-shifters, sorcerers, vampires), who are either the Dark or the Light. They can be on the Nightwatch, (Good Others watching Bad) or Daywatch, (Bad Others watching Good).

There’s enough mythology here to stuff into three movies. I could go on and on, (like the movie does), about all of the various rules and legends that saturate this world. Basically the movie concentrates on one guy who’s on the Nightwatch. He wants to protect a kid who is being called over by the Daywatch. This leads to the coolest scene in the movie when the two Light and Dark vampires have a fight in a warehouse. This scene was great and filled me with high hopes for the rest of the movie.

Unfortunately, “Nightwatch” let me down. That one fight scene is the last one until the very end. The rest of the movie spins off into various subplots that all wind their way back to a cursed virgin girl, a shape-shifting owl babe, a Dark pop star, and so much more Light/Dark gobbledygook that your head will spin.

“Nightwatch” has some interesting moments but not enough for me to go crazy for it. It needed a little more action to move the story along. One or two more fight scenes would have saved it for me. If I heard one more guy spout off about prophecy/doomsday/ the apocalypse, I was going to leave the theater. But if you’re looking for a sci-fi flick that’s just a little different, you might get into it.

Hey, millions of Russians loved it. Did you know that? How can you argue with that logic? You know what they say in the Russian film industry? Rubles rule baby!

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 for various cool scenes like a bloody Nightwatch guy with an owl. You wouldn't see that kind of action in a Hollywood movie now would you?

"Escape from L.A." review

Escape from L.A. (1996)

Directed by John Carpenter
Writing credits John Carpenter

Kurt Russell.... Snake Plissken
A.J. Langer.... Utopia
Steve Buscemi.... Map to the Stars Eddie

Snaaaaake Plissken. You'll wish you were dead. Once again, Plissken gets his arm twisted by the government to do some dirty work. Instead of escaping from New York, this time he has to escape from LA. It's completely different! Snake gets thrown into LA and goes through the escaping motions in this terrible remake of the great "Escape from New York".

First, let me say something positive. Two words: Snake Plissken. Kurt Russell is the only good thing about this movie. He's up for it. Russell still looks cool in his all black leather outfit.

Unfortunately, the rest of "Escape from LA" is a goose egg. The overriding problem is that this movie is so deliberately campy that it turns Plissken, (one of the coolest of all movie heroes), into a toothless cartoon character.

There's one scene in the middle that knocks you over the head with its deliberate terribleness: Plissken surfs a giant wave through the city and lands in a guy's car. Egad. Awful. Everything copied from "Escape from New York" was watered down to flat beer level. Instead of a fight with spiked baseball bats, we get a basketball game. My God, this movie was a disaster.

Carpenter has given us so much joy over the years but this was terrible. Plissken was ready for a serious action movie but he had to settle for a campy remake. This was the nail in the coffin, head and heart of the franchise.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 surfing Snakes

"Femme Fatale" review

Femme Fatale (2002)

Directed by Brian De Palma
Writing credits Brian De Palma

Rebecca Romijn.... Laure Ash/Lily (as Rebecca Romijn-Stamos)
Antonio Banderas.... Nicolas Bardo
Peter Coyote.... Bruce Watts

I was in a hotel room the other day when I decided to see what was on cable. I love hotel rooms. There is nothing else to do but plop yourself down and relax. I decided that whatever movie was on next, I was going to watch. The next flick was "Femme Fatale". I stretched myself out on the bed and turned it on.

Brian De Palma and I have two things in common: 1) We both like seeing women in Jack Boots. One mysterious woman wears an army outfit with camouflage Jack Boots, (boots that go all the way up and over the knee). She had on ultra short shorts and army dominatrix boots. It was sweet. She was sweet. Sweeeet. The second thing we have in common is a desire to watch beautiful women make out in bathrooms. In the first fifteen minutes, Rebecca Romijn has got a half naked woman pinned against a stall door. YEEAAAHH!! That's how you start a movie.

The rest of "Femme Fatale" is a mixed bag. Rebecca Romijn is a pleasant sight when she's making use of her assets, namely her long, long, and I mean loooong legs. Any scene with her acting scared, confused or sad was eating away at valuable sex bomb time. Rebecca is on the run and dodging her past. Will her past come back to haunt her? Kill her? Confuse her? Does she have a past? Who is she? What the heck is going on here?

"Femme Fatale" is not all that it seems. Even if you think you've got it all figured out, the movie will throw you a hard curve ball near the end. Whether or not you enjoy this movie will depend entirely on how much you enjoy being screwed with. If I saw this movie in a theater, I would have felt cheated. But since I was vegetating in a hotel room, "Femme Fatale" was all right by me. If nothing else, I got to see two mega babes making out in a Paris bathroom. You don't see that every day. I slept very well that night.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 for hot bathroom action

"Valentine" review

Valentine (2001)

Directed by Jamie Blanks

Writing credits Donna Powers

Denise Richards.... Paige Prescott
David Boreanaz.... Adam Carr
Marley Shelton.... Kate Davies

This movie starts out with a huge lapse in logic and continues it's freefall. Someone tell me why Denise Richards and Marley Shelton, (two super babes), need to use an express dating service? Has the world gone mad?! After this, I couldn't trust any of the movie's logic.

So the only thing new under the sun is the killer wears a cherub mask. I was intrigued. But I am disturbed by the new generation of slasher flicks insistence on no female nudity. Where are the topless women? Is it too much to ask for some naked sprinkles on my slasher sundae? If I didn't know any better, I'd say they were making slasher flicks for women now, (see "Scream" "I Know what you.." etc.). You have Denise Richards in a hot tub and no naked breasts? Come on man! Show some mercy. And the kills were weak. The blood was nonexistent.

It's well made but well made what? "Valentine" droops along until it finally has a heart attack and ends. Pretty faces are not enough for a good slasher flick. Weak.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 for waste of babes

"Tamara" review

Tamara (2005)

Directed by Jeremy Haft

Writing credits Jeffrey Reddick

Matthew Marsden.... Mr. Bill Natolly
Chad Faust.... Jesse
Gil Hacohen.... Patrick
Claudette Mink.... Sheila
Jenna Dewan.... Tamara Riley

So I saw an ad in the paper for a movie about a shy girl who comes back from the dead as a hot babe to wreck havoc on some teens. The tagline was “Revenge has a killer body”. Clearly this was a film I needed to see. The only theater in L.A. showing “Tamara” was at the Beverly Center. Take me to Beverly Hills! As I was cruising down Beverly Blvd, I noticed a giant movie poster for “Ultraviolet” starring Milla Jovovich that has her wielding a sword with her midriff exposed. Hot chicks kicking a lot of ass tend to be a constant in Hollywood. Thank God for that.

I plunk down $9.50 for my ticket and start wondering if this flick is going to be worth it. I know in my heart “Tamara” has video rental written all over it but I decide to give it a shot. As I head to the food court, a woman comes up to me and says, “You want to go to a free screening?” I shuffle past her, mumbling no, when I glance at the tickets. Can you guess what movie she was giving away tickets for? That’s right. “Tamara”! She had a huge stack of them. I even saw her give some away to two dudes after me. Now my blood is boiling. I paid $9.50 while some slackers get to waltz in for free. Grrrrr….

So I roll into the theater. It’s playing in theater two, which is up a couple of flights of stairs. It was as quiet as a tomb up there. I opened the door and there were the two dudes kicking back with their free tickets. Grrrrr…. This movie better be good.

Carrie, I mean Tamara, is a shy girl who is tormented by some of her high school classmates. She wrote an article on steroid use and this upsets some of the steroid users. They decide to have their revenge. One thing leads to another and Tamara winds up dead. Luckily for Tamara, her dabbling in witchcraft will help her rise from the grave. She lands back in high school as a super hot babe and goes to work on taking care of the creeps.

First of all, “Tamara” is not nearly sleazy enough. The tagline clearly states, “Revenge has a killer body”. So where’s the body? I don’t need living dead girl Tamara teasing me with her super short skirts. Stick her back in the grave! She needs more time to cook! Yes, it is with a heavy heart that I must tell you that Tamara does not get naked. In fact, there is no nudity in this movie at all. Shameful I know. A zombie girl who wants her teacher to have sex with her should show some skin. That should be pretty obvious.

So Tamara goes to work on inflicting a lackluster revenge on her classmates. The school nerd's death was the only one that was gruesome. His mutilation had me squirming. Other than that, it was all kind of ho hum. Oh, and then Tamara decides to really stick it to the two jocks by making them have sex with each other. Mmmm…OK. When this scene hit, I knew the filmmakers had no clue who their audience was. “Tamara” limps its way to a hospital finale and then finally limps away.

On the plus side, Tamara moves along and didn’t cause me too much distress. Jenna Dewan makes a fine zombie girl and I enjoyed watching her strut around school. Other than that, it was pretty much a standard B-movie with few surprises. Is it worth a rental? Possibly. Is it worth $9.50 at the Beverly Center? No. Hell no.

One last thing, as I was leaving the theater, I noticed a bunch of people with “Tamara” posters. One guy was talking up some people, “Yeah, It’s called “Tamara”. It’s a horror movie. The poster is there in the lobby.” Then he gave them a free poster. I looked closer at him. He was an actor in the movie! Now that’s hardcore guerilla marketing. They’ve got one of Tamara’s tormentors in the Beverly Center plugging the film. WOW. They should have gone all the way and had Tamara there giving away tickets in her skin tight red dress telling people to go see her movie…or else!! Or else what? Or else you’ll have to pay for a video rental! MOO-HA-HA!

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 zombie babes

"Sexual Intrigue" review

Sexual Intrigue (2000)

Directed by J. Edie Martin

Writing credits J. Edie Martin

Kim Dawson.... Emma De Layle
Eric Acsell.... Charlie Taylor
Kira Reed.... Randi Davis


Kira Reed needs to get her boyfriend a job. She hooks him up with Kim Dawson. This can only lead to sexual intrigue. The boyfriend is hired by Dawson to pull off a kidnapping so that they can split the ransom. He's also good to have around for sex. In fact, the boyfriend gets sexually intrigued by most of the females in the movie. They're very intriguing. You can't blame him.

"Sexual Intrigue" is a fine skin flick. You just need to ignore the kidnapping angle and concentrate on the sex scenes. That won't be too hard to do with Kira Reed and Kim Dawson having most of the sex. Reed has three sex scenes. The best one has her having sex in the hot tub with her boyfriend. Kim Dawson also has three sex scenes and they're all good. Kim Dawson is always a sight for sore eyes in these movies. You need to have the horny, older woman around to seduce the young, dumb guys. But with Dawson, it doesn't take much seducing effort to get the party started. Both of these women are very sexually intriguing. They make "Sexual Intrigue" worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 intriguing Reeds

"Sleepwalkers" review

Sleepwalkers (1992)

Directed by Mick Garris

Writing credits Stephen King

Brian Krause .... Charles Brady
Mädchen Amick .... Tanya Robertson
Alice Krige .... Mary Brady

Stephen King must have been petting his cat one day while listening to "Sleepwalk" by Santo and Johnny when he was struck with inspiration. "Cats, cats, cats. I love cats. I love this song. How can I get these two loves in one movie?" Thus "Sleepwalkers" was born.

Two freaky monsters move to a small town so that they can suck the life out of a virgin girl. They both despise cats and love each other. Yes. Mom and son getting it on like all monsters should. The son finds the last supermodel virgin on Earth. The romance is brief as life sucking takes precedence over anything sexual. Besides, he's got a hot mom aching at home. There is much blood and mayhem as super virgin tries to fight off the freaks with the help of an army of angry cats. Go Clovis!

I enjoyed this simple little movie. Monsters find virgin, virgin fights back and the cats go wild. There was plenty of blood and guts to keep a smile on your face. Speaking of smiling, Madchen Amick is at her hot babe peak in this one. She has one move that lets you know she's a shy, sweet girl: She bites her bottom lip and then slides her teeth slowly off. This move happens at least a dozen times. I could have watched it a dozen more. Mmmmmm...Virgin teasing. The monster was hooked at that point. So was I.

One last thought, what decade is this movie supposed to be set in? The main monster loves "Sleepwalk" and Madchen Amick is shaking her groove thing to "Do you love me?". In other scenes there will be loud modern rock blasting away. King obviously loves his 50's rock and roll but I had a hard time imagining a 90's girl doing the Twist and the Mashed Potato.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 lip-biting Amicks

And another hot picture of supermodel virgin Amick.

"Nothing but Trouble" review

Nothing But Trouble (1991)

Directed by Dan Aykroyd
Writing credits Peter Aykroyd Dan Aykroyd

Chevy Chase .... Chris Thorne
Dan Aykroyd .... Judge Alvin 'J.P' Valkenheiser & Bobo
John Candy .... Dennis & Eldona
Demi Moore .... Diane Lightson

"Nothing but Trouble" holds a special place on my all-time, worst movies ever list of shame. It's easily one of the top 10 worst movies. But it also holds the distinction of being one of the very few movies I've ever walked out on. Yes. It is with great shame that I must confess that I saw this garbage in the movie theater. When I saw Demi Moore being held captive by two disgusting blobs, I knew I had hit the nadir. One blob screamed, "I want...another bowl of cereal!" I wanted to leave with my stomach intact. I bolted for the exits. My family was with me and had to leave too since I had the car keys. I have no idea how this movie ends and I want to keep it that way. Stick this movie in a time capsule and never dig it up. Better yet, burn the negatives to keep some poor, cold family warm. Do something useful with this junk because to watch this movie is to hate this movie. The fact that so many talented comedians were in this flotsam makes it sting even harder. I don't know how this train wreck could be allowed to happen. I just know that no human being should have to sit through it.

SCORE: LANDFILL

"Sexual Predator" review

Sexual Predator (2001)

Directed by Robert Angelo Rob Spera
Writing credits Ed Silverstein

Richard Grieco .... Gale
Angie Everhart .... Beth Spinella

I saw this on Cinemax the other day. I have recently become a devoted follower of late night Cinemax. I can't believe I've been ignorant of its wild ways for this long. Not only does Cinemax show a softcore flick every night, there usually is some violent movie to finish the evening off as well. What I'm saying is, late night Cinemax is a gold mine of sex and violence.

Speaking of sex and violence, "Sexual Predator" was pretty good. Angie Everhart is Richard Grieco's horny parole officer. Grieco strangled Everhart's friend during some rough sex. Everhart wants to keep an eye on him to make sure he doesn't do it again. Grieco decides to give her a guided tour of the sexual underground. Everhart is a quick study.

Everhart gets into her sex scenes and shows us all the goods. Murder, betrayal and some more naked Angie scenes make up the rest of the movie. It's a decent softcore thriller. It's worth a look. If you're a fan of Angie Everhart, you need to see this movie immediately.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Everharts

"Love Object" review

Love Object (2003)

Directed by Robert Parigi
Writing credits Robert Parigi

Desmond Harrington.... Kenneth Winslow
Melissa Sagemiller.... Lisa Bellmer
Udo Kier.... Radley

Why can't they write instruction manuals for relationships? This is the dilemma poor Kenneth, (Desmond Harrington), is in. Kenneth has a hard time connecting with people. His boss wants a three volume instruction manual cranked out ASAP. He gives a hot blonde, (Melissa Sagemiller), to Kenneth to help him work faster. Soon Kenneth is dreaming about what to do to his blonde co-worker with the help of a plastic Love Object he buys over the internet. "Nikki", the fake blonde, teaches Kenneth how to treat a woman right. But she is a jealous Love Object. Kenneth gets torn between his fake and real blonde. "Nikki" does not like to be pushed aside...

Kenneth says that everything is easy if you just read the instructions. It's too bad for him that no one wrote an instruction manual on how to be Kenneth. "Love Object" shows how easily blondes can make you insane. Kenneth slips away from reality as his Love Object starts to dominate his mind. But perhaps having a fake blonde is the best kind to have. Oh Nikki. They may call you fake but you're real to Kenneth.

"Love Object" was great. At last! Someone made a horror movie for me! Obsession, depravity, and blondes, blondes, blondes! All horror freaks should see this movie. You may notice a bit of yourself in Kenneth and his twisted ways. Hopefully you won't see too much. As for me, I found it so refreshing to see a horror flick go all the way. "Love Object" is the real deal.

One last thing, I was very distracted by the use of an obvious body double for Sagemiller. There are many scenes where her breast is exposed so that we can see her tattoo. You never see her face and her naked breast in the same scene. How can Sagemiller be my Love Object if I am denied the pleasure of voyeuristically leering over her naked flesh? Hmmmm...Come to think of it, maybe it's healthier if I don't see all the Sagemiller I can. Oh well. She does have a pretty smile though. Very pretty. Mmmmm...

SCORE: 3.5 out of 4 quality time with love objects

"XXX: State of the Union" review

xXx: State of the Union (2005)

Directed by Lee Tamahori
Writing credits Simon Kinberg

Ice Cube.... XXX/Darius Stone
Samuel L. Jackson.... Agent Augustus Gibbons
Willem Dafoe.... Gen. George Octavius Deckert
Scott Speedman.... Agent Kyle Steele
Peter Strauss.... President James Sanford
Xzibit.... Zeke
Sunny Mabrey.... Charlie
Nona Gaye.... Lola Jackson

So Ice Cube has to save the world. He's recruited by Samuel Jackson to take on the bad guys. Ice Cube blows up things real good. My hands down favorite part is when he flies onto the bridge with his speedboat and takes out all of the cops and then strides manfully to his waiting car. My God, this scene was genius. There are various other scenes of action insanity which makes "XXX: State of the Union" worth checking out.

All of the women in this movie had large breasts. No nudity but a lot of heaving cleavage. This movie is the very definition of "eye candy". Whether its things blowing up or hot women strutting their stuff, "XXX 2" delivers the goods.

Of course it's all ridiculous but who cares? I don't. I loved it. I'd watch it again right now. Was it a parody of loud stupid action flicks or was it in fact a loud stupid action flick? There's no doubt about it. "XXX: State of the Union" is a loud stupid action flick and proud of it. Roll with it and you'll like it. Try to fight its stupid ways and you'll be in pain.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 for lots and lots of eye candy

"Yor, the Hunter from the Future" review

Yor, the Hunter from the Future (1983)

Directed by Antonio Margheriti

Writing credits Robert Bailey Ray Collins

Reb Brown.... Yor
Corinne Clery.... Ka-Laa

My whole family went out with me to the movie theater to see this one. Younger readers may be shocked to hear that a movie this terrible could actually play in a movie theater. The early 80's was the dawning of the age of VCR's. Straight to video hadn't been invented yet. Ancient history right? Nowadays, I'd be surprised if a movie of Yor's caliber could make it to the video store. Well, not too surprised. I have suffered through "Terror Toons".

We knew we were in for pain in the first five seconds. The credits roll while an awful cheese rock song blasts in your ears: "YOR! He's the Hunter from the Future!" Guitar! There's just something about cavemen and hard rock music that signals disaster ahead. One of the first action scenes is Yor doing battle with the head of a dinosaur. No dino body. Just its head. My dad promptly fell asleep. We had to wake him up after twenty minutes of peaceful, non-Yor slumber. We weren't going to suffer alone.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 cheap dino attacks. GRRRRRRRR!!!

"Baberellas" review

Baberellas (2003)

Directed by Chuck Cirino
Writing credits Chuck Cirino Tip McPartland

Chris Porter.... Hydrik Multar
Shauna O'Brien.... Queen Sartanika
Bettie Dewar.... Silk
Julie K. Smith....Anna
Regina Russell.... Renna
Julie Strain.... Coochinota
Zen.... Lovely Lesbian Lover
Zero.... Lovely Lesbian Lover

I bought this DVD. Well, here's some proof that I may be watching too many B grade flicks. "Baberellas" starts off with a song called "Kiss my Galaxy". This was the same annoying song used in "Busty Cops". So how does one kiss a galaxy? More importantly, why hasn't this song been blasted into oblivion?

Anyway, "Baberellas" does have one good thing going for it and that one good thing is Julie Smith. She's wearing corn rows in this adventure, which is not a favorite hairstyle of mine, but it works on her. She and her topless band are being watched by space aliens for some sort of galactic TV show. The Smith band wanders around Southern California and then find their way to the spaceship. More topless adventures follow.

"Baberellas" has one fatal flaw: There is no sex in this "sexy spoof". They couldn't give us one sex scene in this "sexy spoof"? Not one? What's the matter? Was it too sexy for them? Oh sure, there are plenty of topless scenes but no doing the dirty. Smith even said she got turned on when someone touched her breasts. (Homer Simpson voice): "Hello?! Hello Einstein?!"

Overall, "Baberellas" is a disappointment. Julie Smith tried to save the day but failed. The tractor beam from Planet Frigid was too powerful. Crash landing! All B-queens for themselves!

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 electric Smith breasts

"Vampires: Los Muertos" review

Vampires: Los Muertos (2002)

Directed by Tommy Lee Wallace

Writing credits Tommy Lee Wallace

Jon Bon Jovi.... Derek Bliss
Cristián de la Fuente.... Father Rodrigo
Natasha Gregson Wagner.... Zoey (as Natasha Wagner)

Bon Jovi, 80's rocker extraordinaire, does battle against bloodsucking vampires. The head vampire is WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE, preferably dead. So Bon Jovi is LIVING ON A PRAYER, ready to give the vampires some BAD MEDICINE. The vampires GIVE LOVE A BAD NAME as Bon Jovi prepares to bury them in a BED OF ROSES. Bon Jovi is no RUNAWAY. He's prepared to go out in a BLAZE OF GLORY.

I am blasting Bon Jovi as I write this. Yeah, I'm a child of the 80's. If only they could get Axl Rose to star in some B-movie, then we would be rocking. As far as this flick is concerned, imagine the first "Vampires", but without as much blood, gore, nudity or fun. It's pretty much the same story, only with Bon Jovi instead of James Woods. He'll BE THERE FOR YOU.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Bon Jovi's

"Scarlet Diva" review

Scarlet Diva (2000)

Directed by Asia Argento
Writing credits Asia Argento

Asia Argento....Anna Battista
Jean Shepard.... Kirk Vaines
Herbert Fritsch.... Aaron Ulrich

There is a very big question you have to ask yourself before deciding whether or not to watch this movie. It is: Do I care about Asia Argento and her pain? If you could care less, I would steer clear of this one. Asia lets it all hang out as she tells us of her tormented life.

I'm not going to mix words. I bought this DVD to see Asia Argento get naked and have sex. I'm happy to say Asia does get naked and does have sex. She shows us her angel tattoo and all is right with the world.

On the DVD, before the movie begins, Asia looks straight into the camera and tells us that we probably heard this movie was no good but not to worry because it is. She also hopes that we might get to know her better…or less. So basically she's saying, "Here's my movie, I did it, you're watching it and there you go." It was kind of strange to have the director reassure the audience before the flick. I was a little thrown off by it.

So the movie is about a girl named Anna, (Asia Argento), who is a big movie star and very unhappy about it. Sex, drugs and rock and roll make Anna miserable. She is a very lonely woman. One guy is sweet to her and visions of love start dancing in her head. Will Anna ever be happy?

For this movie to work, you have to believe that Asia is being sincere. You have to believe that most of the stories in the movie happened to her in one form or another at some point in her life. So is the flick Asia spilling her guts out for the world to see? Is it a cry for help? Or is it just a self indulgent flick with Asia crying and weeping as movie stars tend to do?

For me, it felt sincere. It's not an exploitation flick although there is enough sex and nudity to make it seem otherwise. Asia had a lot on her mind and wanted to have a cathartic experience with this flick. If you like Asia Argento, it's definitely worth a look.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 Argento angels

"Razorteeth" review

Razorteeth (2005)

Directed by John Polonia Mark Polonia
Writing credits John Oak Dalton John Polonia

Stevan Anselmi.... Lewis Godfrey
Brian Berry.... Tom
Todd Carpenter.... Ronn
Dave Fife
Brice Kennedy.... Agent Dawson

"Razorteeth" is a very bad movie. And yet…I just couldn't take my eyes off it. I wanted to shut it off after ten minutes but I just couldn't. I had to see what other terrible tricks it had up its sleeve. I am also a sucker for any sort of aquatic monster movie. The minute I found out that there was a piranha movie I hadn't seen yet, I rented it immediately.

So a bunch of plastic piranhas land in a lake. They attack any living thing that happens to be in the water. All of the piranhas, (about two or three), swim around with the same facial expression. They all have their jaws wide open with bulging plastic eyes about to burst out of their heads. I wondered how they eat if they can't move their mouths. A government agent shows up to put a lid on all of this piranha nonsense. More people get attacked by cheap piranhas while the agent bumbles around the lake.

"Razorteeth" is truly a wonder of bad movie-making to behold. It's almost too easy to bash. It looks like something that was made with a bunch of buddies over a long weekend. Cheap is putting it mildly. The filmmakers must have rented a cabin on the lake and decided to make a movie while they were there. "Razorteeth" is seriously bad.

On the plus side, I laughed my head off while watching it. The agent's boss was one of the worst actors I've ever seen but I couldn't stop laughing when he was on screen. The piranhas did a lot of goofy things too. If you like laughing at shamelessly cheap B-movies, "Razorteeth" is where it's at. If you're looking for a piranha horror flick, "Razorteeth" will make you cringe with pain.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 only because they had some funny fish

"Vampires vs. Zombies" review

Vampires vs. Zombies (2004)

Directed by Vince D'Amato
Writing credits Sheridan Le Fanu

Bonny Giroux.... Jenna Fontaine
C.S. Munro.... Travis Fontaine
Maratama Carlson.... Carmilla
Brinke Stevens.... Julia/State Trooper

Yikes. Double Yikes. What in the world is going on in this movie? I have seen some wacky B-movies in my day but this one is out of its mind. This is a super blender movie. A bunch of scenes were filmed and then tossed into the movie blender. Someone hit warp speed and out spewed "Vampires vs. Zombies".

So, hmmmm...how do I describe this movie? It's close to impossible. Two blondes take off in a yellow jeep. They hope to find the movie somewhere out on the open road. They stop for a second so that they can kiss. Then it's back to it. They hop back and forth from a mental hospital, to some sort of crypt and then to a motel. Then there's a dead girl in the back of a car and something else and ahh who cares? The director didn't care if it made any sense. Why should I?

"Vampires vs. Zombies" is Grade-Z incompetence but it's well meaning incompetence. It has plenty of nonsensical gore scenes. The two blondes stop every once and awhile to make out. These are good things. But "Vampires vs. Zombies" plays like a director's highlight reel. It's all just a bunch of random horror scenes stapled together. This movie makes no sense. While I enjoy seeing two blondes make out in a yellow jeep, I can't possibly enjoy this jumbled excuse of a movie. I'm going to grab two aspirins and call it a day.

SCORE: LANDFILL

"Final Destination 2" review

Final Destination 2 (2003)

Directed by David R. Ellis
Writing credits Jeffrey Reddick

Ali Larter.... Clear Rivers
A.J. Cook.... Kimberly Corman
Michael Landes.... Officer Thomas Burke
Tony Todd.... William Bludworth

Watch the signs! Another teen prevents people from dying. Death gets upset. Soon Death will come for them all and have his revenge. Death has got a sick sense of humor. For some reason he likes planting ominous signs all around so people can have a sense of how they will die. The survivors try to cheat Death by beating his design. The foolish ones ignore Death's helpful clues and die horrible deaths.

People die in ghoulish accidents but you can't help but laugh. "HAHAHA..See! That's what you get. You should have looked at the warnings stupid! They were right in front of you!" The accidents are gruesome but funny when you take into consideration all the foreshadowing Death likes to give. For instance...

*SPOILER ON DEATH FORESHADOWING*

Before the heroine pulls onto the highway, you hear a bus full of students chanting, "Pile up! Pile Up!". Then she sees a kid playing with his two car toys, smacking them together. The best one is when the guy who just won the lotto is cooking. Notice the magnetic letters on the side of his refrigerator. One of them drops into his food. Notice what word the remaining letters spell. That Death is pretty hilarious. He spelled the guy's demise out! Watch the signs!

Overall, I enjoyed it. "Final Destination 2" is gruesome fun.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 for getting me to laugh at doomed fools

"Live Freaky! Die Freaky!" review

Live Freaky Die Freaky (2003)

Directed by John Roecker
Writing credits John Roecker


Billie Joe Armstrong.... Charlie (voice)
Theo Kogan.... Hadie (voice)
Jane Wiedlin.... Squeaky (voice)
Asia Argento.... Habagail Folger (voice)
Kelly Osbourne.... Sharon (as Kelly Posbourne)

I was hanging out in Amoeba music on Sunset one day when “Live Freaky! Die Freaky!” caught my eye. I was there looking for something weird to watch. You don’t go to a place like that to get a mainstream flick. A claymation movie starring Charles Manson sounded just warped enough for me. So I bought it.

“Live Freaky! Die Freaky!” tells the tale of how Charlie and his family might be revered as saviors one day in the future. A nomad picks up a copy of “Helter Skelter” and tries to decide if Manson was a devil or an angel. Then the movie flashes back on the clay puppets and their nasty antics in L.A.

“Live Freaky! Die Freaky!” feels like it was made to kick Hollywood in the nuts. It also strives to be as offensive as possible in the process. Manson and friends decide to stick it to the man by killing “that pig actress Sharon Hate”. His girls do what they’re told and carry out every order he gives them. You know, like brutally killing people for laughs, doing the creepy crawl on his schlong and having sex with him whenever he says so.

Now I’m not one who is easily offended, but there was one thing that sticks in my mind as offensive. It’s only offensive because I hate imagining that the animators thought that they were hilarious.

*SPOILER ALERT*

Did we really need to see the decapitated head of the gay hairdresser suck his own severed penis? Did we really? Was that truly necessary? That image is now burned in my brain. Congratulations to the filmmakers. You have now offended the very hard to offend.

*END SPOILER*

Anyway, other than that, I enjoyed this movie. It felt like it was made to strike back against all of the rich Hollywood pigs that have looked down their nose at the millions of normal people who populate L.A. There are two different images of blood washing over the Hollywood sign in this flick. Charlie even sings a song called “Mechanical Man” in which he says, “Together we’ll make Hollywood fall”.

Overall, I enjoyed this exercise in bad taste. “Live Freaky! Die Freaky!” is worth a look if you’re in the mood for something nasty. Oh, and I loved the music. “Mechanical Man” is a catchy tune. I’ve been playing it in my car for the last couple of days:

“I’ll give you the heads up…
Come on and get your legs up…
This is called the Family Jam!”

SCORE: 3 out of 4 maniacal Hollywood killing puppets

"Do you have a taste for sex...

and blood and hate or...

really good LSD?"

"Tomb of the Werewolf" review

Tomb of the Werewolf (2004)

Directed by Fred Olen Ray
Writing credits Fred Olen Ray

Jacinto Molina.... Waldemar Daninsky (as Paul Naschy)
Jay Richardson.... Richard Daninsky
Michelle Bauer.... Elizabeth Bathory
Stephanie Bentley.... Amanda/Eleanor Daninsky
Kennedy Johnston.... Melanie
Jacy Andrews.... Christie
Beverly Lynne.... Leslie

"Tomb of the Werewolf" is about breasts. Naked female breasts. It is not about a Tomb or a Werewolf. There is a wolf man running around but he's just filler until the next breast scene. He just liked to bite into people's necks and then run off. He couldn't run away too fast or else his wolf man beard would have flown off.

So a bunch of hunky men and hot women head to an old castle to look for breasts. It doesn't take them long to find them. Beverly Lynne and some other babes take their shirts off with gleeful abandon. It must be the full moon. It brings out the animal in them. Michelle Bauer is the maid of the castle and keeps everyone zonked out on booze and boobies. She has a thing for hairy monster men. Many breasts must come out to play before the beast can be stopped.

Suffice to say, this is not a horror movie. However, I did enjoy this film simply because I am a die hard Michelle Bauer fan. Seeing the wolf man run around with his fake beard flopping in the wind almost made me die hard. But then again, seeing Michelle Bauer join the party and take her top off made me jump for joy. Her scene with the girl wearing the blindfold was the highlight of the movie.

So once again Michelle Bauer saves another B-movie from total destruction. If you're a Bauer fan, check it out.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 because Bauer still wears the B-queen crown

"The 13th Warrior" review

The 13th Warrior (1999)

Directed by John McTiernan
Writing credits Michael Crichton William Wisher Jr.

Antonio Banderas.... Ahmed Ibn Fahdlan Ibn Al Abbas Ibn Rashid Ibn Hamad
Vladimir Kulich.... Buliwyf/The 1st Warrior
Dennis Storhøi.... Herger the Joyous

Do you like severed heads in your adventure movie? Then you must see "The 13th Warrior". Antonio Banderas, (Warrior number 13), goes to Viking country with 12 other warriors to see what's up. Seems the ancient bear warriors have attacked a village. So the 13 warriors take it upon themselves to vanquish the bear men. That's it for plot.

I don't mind movies being light on plot, heavy on the action. This one is pretty simple. They find an enemy and decide to kill them. Bingo Bango. There you go. As long as the action delivers, I'm happy. I always appreciate the art of separating a head from it's shoulders. There are plenty of rolling heads in this one. My only minor complaint is that most of the action was either in the dark or in a rainstorm. It was hard to make out the action at some points. Also the entire ending battle scene was in slow motion. I would have liked to have seen the fighting more clearly.

But, of course, there was lots of sword fighting and decapitations. I liked it.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 severed heads

"Mutant" review

Mutant AKA Night Shadows (1984)

Directed by John 'Bud' Cardos
Writing credits Michael Jones

Wings Hauser.... Josh Cameron
Bo Hopkins.... Sheriff Will Stewart
Jody Medford.... Holly Pierce

First of all, the movie I rented was called "Mutant", not "Night Shadows". That title haunts me because it is close to the title of the worst movie I ever saw. It was a supposed werewolf movie called "Night Shadow". Don't ever see "Night Shadow". I'd actually be amazed if anyone could find that cinematic heart attack.

Anyway, "Mutant" is a horror movie starring that great horror movie supplement: Toxic Waste. Toxic Waste is great. It can do anything. In this case, it turns the townspeople into blue faced zombies/mutants. Don't be fooled by the video box cover though. The cover shows off a drooling creature/mutant. Surely a video box cover would never lie! That creature must be in the movie! Sadly, it did lie. It's not the first time a video box cover lied and it won't be the last. So take your blue faced zombies and be happy.

Will you be happy though? Probably not. "Mutant" is fair at best. Blue faced zombies attack our heroes and the viewer wonders where his alien creature went to. Oh yeah. He's in a different movie.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 toxic wastes

"Secret Desires of A Housewife 2" review

Secret Desires of a Housewife 2 (2005)

Directed by Christopher Murphy

April Hanna
Akira Lane
Mark Maes

First, allow me to praise the DVD cover of "Secret Desires of a Housewife 2". The cover has two women kissing each other with their faces bathed in a blue light. This is effective advertising. It's no secret what the housewife's desire is. I didn't need to know anything more about this movie than what was on the DVD cover. I bought it immediately.

"Secret Desires of a Housewife 2" is a great skin flick. Great! The actual desire of this housewife is to learn how to rock climb so she can hang out with her husband. This leads to a lot of sex. Akira Lane shows up as another rock climbing/sex enthusiast. She has two sex scenes in this one and they are both hot! She's awesome. Her sex scenes alone make this DVD worth getting. There is barely any plot to get in the way here. People talk, they hang out, something about rock climbing is mentioned and then there's a sex scene. The scene with the housewife and her female rock climbing teacher, (the picture from the DVD cover), is top notch.

You can't go wrong with "Secret Desires of a Housewife 2". If you're an Akira Lane fan, you must see this movie.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 secret Akira desires

"Cheerleader Ninjas" review

Cheerleader Ninjas (2002)

Directed by Kevin Campbell

Writing credits Kevin Campbell

Kira Reed.... Fantasy Girl
Angela Brubaker.... Angela
Jeff Nicholson.... Stephen
Renee Deemer.... Heather

My brother and I were at the video store the other day when we ran into "Cheerleader Ninjas". I've had my eye on it for some time now but on this particular night I wanted to rent "Looney Tunes: Back in Action". I was in a Bugs Bunny kind of mood. As I passed "Cheerleader Ninjas" I mentioned to my brother, "We should see this one day." "Done.", he said and yanked it off the shelf. Bugs Bunny would have to wait.

"Cheerleader Ninjas" is hilarious. My brother and I were laughing our heads off. Four cheerleaders square off against four bad Catholic High School girls. The cheerleaders learn some ninja moves to help them in their fight. The sci-fi geeks show up to help the cheerleaders do battle. The geeks drool watching the ninja catfights. I did too.

The geeks were truly the highlight of the movie. They were the funniest thing about "Cheerleader Ninjas". They were all dressed in "Star Trek" costumes and quivered at the sight of real women. The scene where the Catholic girls kept the geeks as prisoners was great. "Computer, stop program." Those goobers had me laughing through the whole movie.

Kira Reed shows up as "Fantasy Girl". She supplies most, if not all, of the abundant nudity. One scene has her reenacting a scene from "American Beauty" and another has her dishing out a little spanking with a girlfriend. She was naked in every scene of course. Kira is my ninja fantasy girl.

"Cheerleader Ninjas" should be seen. It's as cheap and low budget as you would expect and most of the acting is pretty bad but I had a blast watching it. The writer/director really impressed me. He's a funny guy."Cheerleader Ninjas" is good stuff. It has naked breasts, horny geeks, cheerleader ninjas, and bad Catholic High School girls. It was a potent mix.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 fantasy girl ninjas

"Maniac Cop 2" review

Maniac Cop 2 (1990)

Directed by William Lustig
Writing credits Larry Cohen

Robert Davi.... Det. Sean McKinney
Claudia Christian.... Susan Riley
Michael Lerner.... Edward Doyle
Bruce Campbell.... Jack Forrest
Laurene Landon.... Teresa Mallory
Robert Z'Dar.... Matt Cordell

Cordell was a good cop once. Then he was sent to prison and attacked by the inmates. Many knife wounds later he becomes Maniac Cop. Cordell the zombie cop will soon unleash his fury and have his revenge. He hooks up with a serial killer and they party Maniac Cop style.

I was pleasantly surprised with this one. The action was good and the acting was above par for a B-movie. They even had Lipnick from "Barton Fink", (Michael Lerner). The best scene has the Maniac Cop attacking a police station like the Terminator. It was a massacre.

Basically, Cordell is a zombie that moves fast and wears a cop uniform. They could have called it "Zombie Cop" but "Maniac Cop" sounds better. The only thing that sounds better than "Maniac Cop" is "Maniac Cop 2" or 3,4,5...

One last thing, keep an eye out for Laurene Landon. Who's Laurene Landon? Come on man! Hundra baby! The mere presence of the mighty Hundra gives "Maniac Cop 2" some points to B-movie greatness. If only we could get Laurene to give us one more "Hundra" flick. How about "Hundra vs. Maniac Cop"? Then we've got two great B-movie's resurrected. If Freddy and Jason can do it, the all powerful Hundra can do it.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 zombie cops and HUNDRA!

"Firewall" review

Firewall (2006)

Directed by Richard Loncraine

Writing credits Joe Forte

Harrison Ford.... Jack Stanfield
Paul Bettany.... Bill Cox

Virginia Madsen.... Beth Stanfield

I was able to catch the “Firewall” premiere at the Chinese theater in Hollywood. It was the first time that I’ve gone to a premiere and I was slightly giddy. I knew a guy who knew a guy who knew someone else who wasn’t coming etc. You know how these things go. We must praise this mysterious benefactor for the free ticket. And no, it wasn’t Harrison Ford.

So I get a call around 4:15 asking me if I want to go to the premiere. Hell yes I want to go! First gear! I’m on Santa Monica Blvd. Second gear! I burn rubber up Fairfax. Once my “date” arrives, we get to walk up the red carpet into the theater. Not the main red carpet mind you, but one off to the side. Hey, it was still red. Once you get in, it’s in the theater’s interest to get your ass in a chair as quickly as possible. They hustle you in as fast as they can but not before I got a chance to stop at the concession stand. They had free drinks and popcorn lined up for whoever wanted them. You know what that is? Pure Hollywood decadence. Oh yeah man. I put some butter on it too. I’m out of control!

Once you’re in your seat, it becomes a waiting game as the celebrities take their time for the cameras and wander into the theater at their leisure. So I turned around in my seat and there he was. I saw Harrison Ford! He was strolling down the aisle to his seat. He had a big grey beard going on and lots of ushers around him. The second he sat down, and I mean THE SECOND he sat down, the movie started. You don't want to keep Indiana Jones waiting for his movie. He was The Man in that room.

One of the funniest things at the premiere was the amount of applause the credits got. In a normal movie, you sit there patiently waiting for the credits to scroll by. At the premiere of “Firewall”, I think the purpose of the event was just to see the credits. Every single credit got a rousing applause. From the production companies to the guy who did the catering, everybody gave themselves some love. It was pretty hilarious.

Oh, so you’re wondering how the actual movie was? Well, I’ve got two words for you: Pet navigator. You’ll understand when you see it. That’s my way of saying it was a standard, ridiculous Hollywood thriller.

So Harrison Ford gets his family threatened by a bunch of thugs. They want him to help them steal lots of money from the bank he works at. Harrison fights back. You know how the rest of the movie goes.

It’s good to see Harrison Ford get back into action hero mode. “Firewall” won’t blow anyone away but it’s decent entertainment. Granted it has a ridiculous twist at the end, thanks to the pet navigator, but Harrison makes up for it with a nice fight scene with the bad guy.

One last thing, I also saw Virgina Madsen. She plays the wife in the movie. I was two feet away from her! She was hanging out in the lobby talking to people after the movie. I was standing by the exit and out she went. Some cheeseball leaned into her face and said "Loved you in "Sideways"! YES! Real Hollywood schmoozing right in my face! Got to love it!

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 Chinese theaters

Virgina Madsen looking goood in Hollywood.

"8MM" review

8MM (1999)

Directed by Joel Schumacher
Writing credits Andrew Kevin Walker

Nicolas Cage.... Tom Welles
Joaquin Phoenix.... Max California
James Gandolfini.... Eddie Poole
Peter Stormare.... Dino Velvet

Let's get one thing straight. I am a big fan of the sleazy and sordid. My user name "Dr Gore" may tip you off to this fact. A thriller about underground porno is right up my sleaze alley. I knew that a mainstream flick starring Nicolas Cage wasn't going to be too harsh but I was ready to see what the filmmakers had up their sleeve.

Joaquin Phoenix tells Nicolas Cage, "There are things you're going to see that you can't unsee". After "8MM" was over, I knew exactly what he meant. Why can't I get this lameness out of my head? The pain! The torture! "8MM" is a wannabe shock movie. Unfortunately every step down the staircase to Porno Hell is lame and laughable. Every character is a cartoon figure. Nothing resides in any remote semblance of reality. I thought I was going to get the guided tour of Sicko-Porno land. Instead I got the Hollywood super shine, glossy version. Bleech.

The spike through this movie's heart is the evil character known as "The Machine". Cage has tracked down the Machine and dukes it out with him in a graveyard. The Machine decides to take this opportunity to give a long speech to Cage in order to protest the stereotyping of wackos in leather masks. This one scene exposes the filmmakers as complete frauds. No way, no how, would a depraved lunatic take a break from his beating to give a monologue on his evil ways. "8MM" is a waste of time. It was made by fools who have absolutely no idea what they are talking about.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 clueless Cages getting lectured by a talkative weirdo

"Emmanuelle in Rio" review

Emmanuelle in Rio (2003)

Directed by Kevin Alber

Writing credits Kevin Alber

Ludmilla Ferraz.... Emmanuelle

I saw this on cable the other day. (Singing): E-mman-u-elle...Queen of the galaxy. Oops. Wrong Emmanuelle. I wanted Krista Allen but instead I got Ludmilla. That's right. Ludmilla Ferraz. I don't know either. She may very well be the worst actress of all time. That's a bold statement. You really have to stink up the screen to win that distinction. This Emmanuelle delivers the stink.

So Emmanuelle is a photographer hanging out in Rio. She takes pictures, she gets laid, you know the drill. In between terrible sex scenes, we get a lot of shots of Rio de Janeiro. "City of God" strived for the stark realism of life in the Rio slums but I think this film really captured the bleak despair of living in Rio while making an impotent sex film. At any rate, the Rio scenes were more interesting than the sex. Where is Krista Allen when I need her? This movie almost blasted me into a coma. Beam up to Krista's love ship and leave Rio in the dust.

SCORE: LANDFILL

"My Best Friend's Wife 2" review

My Best Friend's Wife 2 (2005)

Directed by Christopher Murphy

Akira Lane
Allysin Chaynes
Dru Berrymore

I bought this DVD. I needed some more Akira Lane in my life. But really, who doesn’t need more Akira Lane? I’ve seen her in a couple of skin flicks and had to see some more of that busty Asian in action. Asian in action… That just rolls off the tongue doesn’t it? How poetic.

Anyway, “My Best Friend’s Wife 2” is the simple tale of what a man will do for his best friend. So this guy has a best friend right? The best friend has a hot wife, (Akira Lane). Hence, “My Best Friend’s Wife”. She needs to be looked after and taken care of while the best friend is away. Do you see the simple genius? Another excuse to look at Akira Lane naked! WOO-HOO! Well, what are friends for?! I’ll be your best friend too! Your VERY best friend. Four sex scenes play out before the best friend makes it with his best friend’s wife. If I’ve ruined the suspense for you, you clearly have not watched a lot of skin flicks.

Here’s the sex scene breakdown. Akira has two sex scenes, one at the beginning and one at the end. They’re both pretty good. Not anything to get overly excited about but pretty solid. Allysin Chaynes has two sex scenes as does Dru Berrymore, including one with each other. But for my money, the best sex scene was between Berrymore and the main guy. They have the world’s shortest date and then do it on his couch. Berrymore knows what she’s doing and she does it very well. Always like to see skin flick performers who aren’t afraid to kiss. I feel all funny when I watch her. Now I need more Berrymore in my life. More Berrymore…Just rolls of the tongue doesn’t it?

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 for more Berrymore and busty Akira

and she brings beer too. What a great Best Friend's wife.

"Elvira's Haunted Hills" review

Elvira's Haunted Hills (2001)

Directed by Sam Irvin
Writing credits Cassandra Peterson

Cassandra Peterson.... Elvira, Mistress of the Dark/Lady Elura Hellsubus
Richard O'Brien.... Lord Vladimere Hellsubus

There's one glaring problem with this movie. It's not funny. At all. I think I was expecting a little bit of a monster story to go with Elvira too. Instead it was something about a castle and the family with their wicked ways and schemes.

One groaning terrible joke after another until there is nothing but groaning. Wow. Elvira was not amusing. I felt bad after awhile. It was embarrassing. She gave me a lot of joy with her show. But this movie was bad. Real bad.

On the plus side, Elvira still looks good. Her breasts are still huge and they are prominently displayed. At least they had the sense to keep her cleavage front and center. Still no topless Elvira though. When Elvira, when? Time is running out.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 unfunny, fully clothed Elviras

"House of the Dead" review

House of the Dead (2003)

Directed by Uwe Boll
Writing credits Mark A. Altman Dan Bates

Tyron Leitso.... Simon
Clint Howard.... Salish
Ona Grauer.... Alicia

My dad and I went out to see this one. I knew I was in for something special when the guy at the box office looked surprised when we said, "Two for "House of the Dead" please." He had a bewildered look on his face but gave us two tickets and mumbled the usual, "Enjoy your movie." We went up to the ticket taker, she tore our tickets and said, "Theater 4 to your right." It was then that I understood. Theater 4 is where they send the really special films, the ones where they are shocked and surprised when a human being pays to see it. Sure enough, there was NO ONE in the theater but me and dad.

The game makers saw the financial results of "Resident Evil", got excited, greenlit their version of it and added an overdose of "Matrix" effects to create "House of the Dead". So a bunch of morons head to a rave on an island. Zombies appear and the morons shoot them. The end. That's it. There's nothing else. Shows over. Finish your popcorn and get out. Beat it.

"House of the Dead" lived up to Theater 4's long standing tradition of B-movie ineptness. It's the kind of flick you think you should be enjoying a lot more than you are. There's blood, guts, zombies, a couple of topless women and guns. Lots of guns. So what's not to like? Well, if you stop and think about the incredible lack of logic, you'll probably hate this movie. My advice: Don't think. Watch zombies go boom, splat, ugh. Take the blood and naked breasts and kick back. Any thinking will ruin the movie.

Mercenaries with cameras made this movie. They were hired by the game makers to advertise their video game product. "House of the Dead": One long, bloody commercial. There is even a SEGA banner hanging over the rave scene just so you know who's throwing this party. Whenever there was a scene change, images from the actual game would pop up. Just when you thought the movie couldn't be any more shameless, it shocks you again.

I sincerely hope the makers of this film sent some flowers and candy to the makers of "The Matrix" because they were completely in love with their "Bullet Time" technology. Shameless again. The only original thought this movie had was to add screen shots of the game into the film. At least it was honest about its intentions: Sell, sell, sell! Buy "House of the Dead"! The game is more fun! Don't you wish you were playing it? Like...RIGHT NOW?!!

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 for reminding me of a cool game I could be playing

"The Gingerdead Man" review

The Gingerdead Man (2005)

Directed by Charles Band

Writing credits William Butler Domonic Muir

Gary Busey.... Millard
Robin Sydney.... Sarah Leigh
Ryan Locke.... Amos Cadbury

My friend and I saw this one the other day. We've been looking forward to "Gingerdead Man" for some time. Gary Busey as a reincarnated killer gingerbread man? Sold. That's a B-movie touchdown. Or so we wanted to believe…

"Gingerdead Man" is a mild disaster. It's not disastrous enough to make me call 911 but it's pretty horrible. Somehow, Busey's ashes are stirred in with some gingerbread mix. He becomes the Gingerdead man. A bunch of workers at the bakery try to take Busey out but he's too fast and delicious for them. Then the movie drags on and on until it somehow mercifully ends.

Nothing remotely interesting happens in "Gingerdead Man". The entire movie takes place in the bakery. I was hoping the Busey cookie monster was going to hit the road for some sweet, sweet revenge. Instead the filmmakers went the ultra cheap route and kept all of the action in one setting. There are only so many things a Gingerdead man can do in the kitchen of a bakery. Most of the things he did manage to do weren't eventful or exciting.

"Gingerdead Man" has a great comic/horror premise but the movie is lame. It can be skipped.

SCORE: 1 out of 4 lame cookie monsters

"Night Shadow" review

Night Shadow (1989)

Directed by Randolph Cohlan

Brenda Vance.... Alex Jung
Kato Kaelin.... Dean Lesher

Terrible. Awful. Retching. Nightmarish. Worst movie ever. I mean ever. I have seen some painful films in my day but this is the king. It still hasn't been dethroned.

The video box had a huge werewolf on the cover. Naturally, I couldn't resist. After my brain aneurysm, I returned it and the video store went out of business the next week. I think the store must have been a mirage just to get some sucker to rent this god awful film.

Supposedly there is a werewolf attacking a town. I don't remember seeing one till the very end. Do silver bullets kill the beast? *SPOILER ON ENDING COMING* No! In the final insult, they run over the flea bitten wolf with their car! Must have had silver hubcaps.

SCORE: LANDFILL